my three boys.

happy, merry. . . . everything.

2010-01-15T23:26:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's 2010 already? I don't even remember passing Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas and New Years!!

But alas, they did pass, didn't they?!! Our holidays were quiet but perfect. We stayed home and celebrated with our little family of four, plus two fur babies. It was nice. The kids were spoiled beyond repair and, for once, there was no bickering or drama that a certain relative used to cause.

I did find myself, once again, longing for Ohio and the chaos that a big family holiday causes. I spent many hours day dreaming about what next Christmas will hold and the festivities I cannot wait to host. Ten years away from home has been more than enough. Next year will be HUGE!

2010 came in like a lamb. Again, we were here at home, begging the dear children to "just go to sleep already" so Tim and I could celebrate the start of our 10th (GASP) year together in peace. It's too soon to say how I think 2010 will turn out but so far, it has promise. I have lots of plans for the upcoming year, as I've mentioned about a million times, and I'm hopeful. Of course, I'm old enough to realize that no year goes by drama and angst free but I am hoping that it's kept to a minimum this year.

Even years are really hit or miss with me and I can't help but have that little fact playing in my head. Not sure what I'm talking about? Here I'll give you the brief rundown:

1998 - Bob was born - Good Year!

2000 - Left Ohio and moved in with my dear Timmy - Good Year!

2002 - Bumpo was born. - Good Year!

2004 - Tim lost his job, marking the end of our six figure salary - Bad Year.

2006 - Our house burned down, killing our sweet cat, Dori - Bad Year.

2008 - We moved to California and started living with Tim's mom - Bad Year.

2010 - Not sure what this year holds, but if history holds true, I'm due for a good one!

Hope everyone can look back, twelve months from now and have something positive to reflect back on.

And, as for my new years resolution: I resolve to start posting on this blog a lot more frequently.

where i've been

2009-11-04T02:37:00.003-05:00

So things around here have been rather quiet for a while now. Granted, in my opinion, things have been quiet for at least the last year but these last few months have been especially vacant.

I think I've come to the point where I hate this blog. I need something new. I need something fresh. My own domain. My own design. Just something. . . . different. I've been talking about redoing things around here for a long time now and I just haven't had the time. In my ideal world, my very competent Timmy would whip up a new blog design for me in fifteen minutes. However, the thing about web design is that it isn't fast. Even the simplest site can take some time. Add on a very opinionated, passionate, indecisive and picky me and the whole process is a WHOLE lot harder for my poor Tim. The truth of the matter is I'm not sure what I want. I am sure of what I don't want but, really, that so doesn't help. I'm not sure what I want to name this thing. I look around on the web and see so many awesomely named blogs. I want my blog to be one of those. I want to go places and do things with my new website. I just don't know how to get there. Yet nothing is coming to me. My creative juices have completely dried up, I think.

Okay, now that I've probably bored my two lone readers out there I think I'm done. Basically, I just stopped in to say that I haven't given up, I'm still around and I promise that something new and fabulous is in the works. I just don't know when exactly it will happen.

Until then, I'll really try to improve things around here. . . . promise.

why does change have to be so hard

2009-09-21T00:50:00.003-05:00

I sit here tonight, a huge lump in my throat and yet, I can't figure out why.

Change is prominent in my life right now. Usually, I love change, I thrive from it, but tonight it's different. Tonight, I can't help but to feel the weight of it all on my shoulders, mainly my new career choice. Just a week ago, I was making way less money but I had a set schedule. A schedule that allowed me to be home in the evenings and there on the weekends for my children. That, is now gone. I'm back to working a crazy retail schedule that my new job requires of me. Tomorrow, I won't get home until midnight. MIDNIGHT! Luckily, Tim will be home with the children so it's not like they'll be with a babysitter. The good thing about this crazy schedule is that we can set it up so one of us is always home in the evenings with our boys. Why isn't that comforting to me? Why does the thought of spending the evening away from my boys tomorrow night hurt so badly? It's not like it's the first time. It won't be the last. And they're going to be in great hands. Maybe it's just the new situation of it all. Maybe it's just jealousy that I won't be the one there with my boys.

Or maybe it's something completely different. Maybe it's just that I don't know anyone at my new job. That here, I don't only have to worry about letting myself down or loosing my job (which, really shouldn't be a concern at all, I don't plan on doing anything that would ever cause me to loose my job) but I have to worry about Tim and his reputation as well. Or maybe, I really was an idiot to take this new job. I gave up a lot of clout and experience. People at my old job knew who I was, and they thought I was pretty great! Now? Now I start from scratch all over again. I was comfortable at my old job.

I have new friends to make. New people to impress. And, another ladder to climb. In my heart, I am pretty sure I made the right decision. However, nights like this, when I know I have a full day of training and grunt work ahead, have made me realize that sometimes, change isn't the best idea.

Hopefully, this isn't one of those times. . .

some new developments

2009-09-02T01:21:00.002-05:00

So, after my last post, I had actually planned on writing the very next day about how bad things had gotten. A pity post, if you will. How we just found out that Tim's wages are going to be garnished because of his awful mother. How they are going to take 25% of his check to cover her debts and there was nothing we can do. I was also going to go on and on about how much I hate that woman, with the power of a thousand burning suns, even. Luckily, I was distracted for a few days. Or, maybe it was just depression that kept me from doing much other than eating an entire bag of M&M's and catching up on my soaps. Whatever.

The point is that a couple days can change everything. And it did.

I'd love to tell you that we don't have to pay the stupid money because of the stupid bitch that continues to terrorize our lives. But, we do. Luckily, we've tracked her down and are going to tell the people that be how to get in touch with her. So at the very least, we get to share the wealth this little burden is putting on our family. Hey, you take what you can get and roll with the punches, as the sayings go.

But, even better than that, are the events that transpired last week. As all of you know, I have been working for Big Brand Pharmacy for about two and a half years now. I make very little money for all that is expected of me. Especially considering these last few months I've gone from Shift Supervisor to this weird district position that has no title yet has the power to put 100+ miles on my car a day. The funniest thing about this position is that I get paid the exact same amount that I was being paid in Florida. Way under what I deserve.

Tim happens to work for a different Big Brand Pharmacy and his boss told him about some jobs that were available. Under his suggestion, I applied. Two days later I had an interview and then the very next day, (a Saturday I might add) I got a phone call telling me I got the job! Not only did this all happen really, really fast, but it was exactly what we needed.

I will be making $6 more an hour, I'll be working closer to home, and best of all we don't have to worry about making ends meet anymore. Heck, we may even be able to sign the kids up for some of them there organized sports we keep hearing about. Fancy.

And you know what? I don't hate that horrible creature who shall remain nameless. Why, you might ask? Because, hatred takes a lot of energy and she. . . . she just isn't worth it.

a day at knott's berry farm

2009-08-24T01:40:00.003-05:00

(* * Updated to add: I will upload some photos tomorrow. After my trusty ol' mac has time to process my camera card contents at the flintstone speed it now runs at. * *)

It's a balmy Saturday morning and Tim, the boys, and I are in the car, on our way to a surprise location. The children are restless in the backseat as the long car ride and anticipation starts to wear on their little bodies.

Finally, after spending way too long in way too many traffic jams, we veer off of the congested LA freeway and enter the home stretch. As we make our way through Korean Town, the kids begin to become suspicious as signs for Disneyland fill their sights. Little do they know that we have a different destination in mind.

Ten minutes later, we pull up in front of a huge silhouette of Snoopy as a voice from the loud speaker from some godly location above, welcomes us to the very first amusement park ever. The kids are ecstatic and our day of fun is just beginning.

And it was fun. Lots and lots of fun. We celebrated many firsts yesterday. The boys experienced their very first amusement park in California, their first roller coaster, and got to see their first live Extreme Sports show.

We learned that Bumpo (who is only seven) is much braver than his ten year old brother. We also learned that Bob isn't afraid to conquer his biggest fears. We learned that it is possible to spend $50 on a pizza dinner and still be hungry. And that eating said pizza, and then going on a roller coaster that straps you in by your waist isn't the best idea.

We celebrated our vacation, and Bob's return, and the end of summer, and the new school year ahead. We looked back on our first year in California with fond memories and made plans for our remaining year here.

And most importantly, we logged many hours of quality family time at that rustically beautiful theme park.

It was a fantastic day.

change

2009-08-13T20:44:00.002-05:00

This time of year always gets me thinking about my life. Where this year has taken us so far, what is still to come, and all the coulda shoulda's that I've promised myself countless times to leave well enough alone.

This year is no different.

As the weather turns cooler outside, I can't help but think of all the things that have happened for my little family so far this year. My dear boys have been through so much and you know what, they've been awesome about all of it. They lost a grandparent this year. A grandparent who, when she was at her best, was amazing to them. Someone who, made my boys smile and laugh and, once upon a time, she made them happy. Sadly, all of that went downhill so fast that I'm not sure they've even had time to process it. How do you explain to your children it wasn't anything they did to make their grandmother go crazy? How do you reassure them that they didn't do anything wrong? That they didn't make this happen? That you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves? The answer is time and love - - unconditional love. With those two things, anything is possible. I know it sounds cheesy but it really is the truth. I know my boys are much better off without ha toxic human being in their lives. I know I did the right thing be removing them fully from that terrible situation. But I still wonder how this is going to affect them (all three of them) in the long run.

The boys start school on the 25th of this month. Another new school, another new group of friends to make. My dear Bumpo has been to a different school each year since he's started. This isn't what I wanted for him, for them. I want them to have structure. I'm hoping that's what they get when we move to Ohio. I want to finally settle down, buy a house, and raise my little family. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my life. I love the adventure we've been on for the last nine and a half years. But the time has come to slow things down. Which I guess is why I'm looking forward to our move next summer so much.

I love this time of year. The last calm week before the chaos of school, events and holidays begin.

It's a great time for reflection. To plan our next step. And a mighty big one it will be. . . .

my damn tooth

2009-07-21T23:14:00.002-05:00

. . . . Well, actually it isn't my tooth, it's the entire right side of my mouth, is KILLING me! Right around the age of 17, I was diagnosed with TMJ. Luckily, most of the time this really isn't a big deal, however when it acts up (like it currently is) it causes immense amounts of pain. Think impacted molar kind of pain. Except worse, worse because there is absolutely no way to cure it except time and lots and lots of tylenol.

Needless to say, this little development, has made sleep these last few nights non-existent. And, just in time for a major review for our district. Meaning, I'm working 8-12 hour days, only to come home, dose up on meds, and fall asleep on the couch before the prime time shows start. Only to wake up around midnight in more pain than should be allowed and spend my remaining dark hours trying everything possible to drift back to sleep.

This isn't good. I'm falling asleep on the way to work, on the way home from work, when I'm stuck in super suck ass traffic, hell, if I thought I could get away with it, I'd climb up on the back counters in each of my lovely pharmacy visits and take a short nap there.

Hopefully this pain subsides in the next few days. If not, I don't know what I'll do, except maybe hurt the next doctor that tells me there is nothing he can do except prescribe some "heavy duty" pain pills to me. Ummm, hello, do you know what I do for a living? I know all about those heavy pain killers. I also know all about dependency on said drugs. That mixed with my family history of substance abuse. . . . . not worth the risk!!! I'll die before I become one of those people. The kind I see every flippin' day, going from one pharmacy to the next, begging someone to take pity on them and "please fill this oxycontin script, just this one last time".

Yeah thanks. . . . but no.

a rough week

2009-07-03T23:35:00.003-05:00

So, we had an unexpected problem this past week. Jacob, stole some money from me, went across the street to buy a soda, (during a time when he was supposed to remain in the house, I might add), and accidentally spilled said stolen soda all over my dear mac.

Now, you may remember. . . . actually, I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it. . . . anyway, a few years ago, I made the mistake of trying to type on the same computer and drink a glass of orange juice at the same time. Anyone who knows me knows where this story is about to go. . . I ended up spilling about half a glass of very pulpy orange juice in to a very open computer. I thought it was a goner for sure. But, to my surprise, after Tim snatched it out of my hands, ripped the battery out, and turned it upside down to dry for a week or so, it worked. That was the day I became a mac customer for life, I might add.

Well, the other day was a little different. This time, we weren't there when the spillage happened. To make matters worse, Jacob didn't bother to tell us he had spilled anything on the computer. Nor did he bother to try to clean it up. He just hid my dear mac and went on about his day as if nothing had happened. A few hours later, I noticed my poor apple, shoved into a corner, covered in a syrupy substance. Then, when I went to pick it up, the same brown liquid oozed from the vents on the bottom of the computer. I don't think I've ever been so mad at my son in my entire life. It wasn't just the fact that he had, quite possibly, destroyed a $4000 computer, but that, coupled with the fact that he lied, and stole, and then didn't have the courage to own up to his mistakes, put me over the edge. Luckily, Tim was there and stepped in to take care of the situation. He once again set the computer up to air out for a few days.

Today, we attempted to restart dear abused mac, and to both of our surprises it works like a charm!!! Jacob was so happy, he started crying and I wasn't far behind. The idea of loosing six years of photos was devastating to me. Not to mention all the hard work we've done on our sites is on here, not backed up anywhere else. If I needed a wake-up call, that was it. I'm heading out in about a month to buy a new mac, (not that I don't love this one but because of the torture it's had to endure, the cd drive doesn't work anymore) and start backing up all the important information we have stored on this puppy. That way, when this dear baby does decide to go, it won't be such a devastating blow to me, my children, or Timmy.

Here's hoping she sticks around for years to come, and that her final death will be one of old age, and not some other sugary, acidy substance seeping it's toxic liquid into her beautiful, yet abused, body.

slow going

2009-06-28T22:52:00.003-05:00

I wish this was the post where I proudly announce the launch of my new website. Sadly, however it's been rather slow going. Between my schedule and Tim's I haven't had much time to work on it what-so-ever. In a lot of ways, I'm beginning to feel like the shoemaker's daughter. Except, you know, different.

I have this super talented computer programmer, here, in my very own home. Yet, I can't get him to help me with a very simple website. Granted, it isn't because he isn't willing to help, it's just that we never seem to see each other anymore. Makes planning a new site a bit tough.

But hang in there, it will happen. Just not as soon as my impatient heart would like it to.

coming soon

2009-06-13T04:52:00.003-05:00

So, over the past few days I've been thinking a lot about this here blog o' mine. And. . . . . I've decided. . . . it's time for a change. A BIG change. Things around here have gotten a bit boring, a bit plain, and I'm just not. . . happy here anymore. The e-mail address I use to log into this blog doesn't even exist anymore, I hate the name, my recipe site hasn't been updated since sometime in 2007 and even when I log in to type up a post I get so side-tracked by everything I want this blog to be that I can't even write. Yep, it's definitely time for something new.

So, currently I am in the very, VERY early stages of launching my own website, my own blog. A place where I can have photos, a blog, recipes, and God only knows what else, all on one site, together, and super simple to use. Thanks to my brilliant Timmy, the web genius, it shouldn't take too long before the launch date is set. I'll keep you updated.

what a week

2009-05-31T00:33:00.002-05:00

This has probably been the. longest. week. ever!!

It all started on Monday, Memorial Day, when we woke up to no water. Thanks to a lovely neighbor who tried to upgrade his water softener himself, he broke the emergency shut-off valve rendering us and two other neighbors completely waterless.

Fast-forward two days later and our water finally returned. About that same day, after we were all good and smelly, Bumpo came down with a bad case of croup. Now, I've posted about his previous battles with this horrible virus so you can imagine how excited we were to have this darn thing return after a two-year absence from our lives. Two emergency room trips later and he's resting comfortably with a prescription of prednisolone (by the way, I loathe prednisolone, it has horrible, horrible side effects) and a two-day pass from school. Which, that in and of itself, created a ton of stress. Tim called out one day, I got the other.

Because I called out on Friday, I got to make up my lovely shift today in my home store (the same store I haven't had a full shift in since. . . . January) today, which just so happened to be inventory day. Talk about fun. A full day of counting, arguing with the inventory company, and worst of all, every big wig in the district at my store. I haven't been that stressed in months! But the end result was good, we did really well and only have 1.66% shrink. Which is awesome, the lowest in the district. Which should make our district manager a little less upset over the fact that my store also has the worst customer service scores in the entire region. Yeah, like I said I haven't been there since January.

So anyway, that was my wonderful week. Looking back, it really is just life, nothing life-shattering or super horrible. Nothing to really complain about, and actually, even with everything that happened, it's so much better than any moment I spent in the same house with that horrible woman, Tim's "mother".

i got an award. . .

2009-05-14T20:16:00.002-05:00

. . . . not that I truly deserve one. Things around here have been rather. . . . boring?. . . .bleak. . . lately. In my head I have all these great ideas for awesome revisions I want to make to this blog. I would love to hire someone to custom design one for me. My head is chock full of wonderful writing topics, and I really don't have any intentions on giving this up anytime soon. I think about things to post while I'm at work, or while I'm in the car driving the kids to their latest destination. The writers block is gone, now all I need is time. At the end of a twelve hour day it's hard to do anything but veg on the sofa and pray that a dinner fairy will descend upon my house and do the laundry, fix dinner, and maybe even entertain the kids for a few minutes. But I digress. . . .

Kracker (?) over at KrackerBarrell has decided that I am worthy of an award, and for that, I thank her lots. She's awesome and she can bake. And bake up a storm she does. Now if I could just convince her to send one of her heavenly concoctions to me here in CA I'd be set. But seriously, she is an awesome woman and just so happens to be the mother of my favorite niece (sorry Deuce) and nephew.

So without further adieu, here are my 8's:

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. Moving to Ohio to be closer to family.

2. Buying a house.

3. Upcoming promotions at work.

4. Having another baby (if I can make it happen.)

5. Saturday, it's my day off. Ahhhh, SLEEP!!

6. Getting completely unpacked here.

7. Getting the things in the old house finally moved into storage.

8. Moving on with my life and finally being able to put the last six months behind me for good.

8 Things I did yesterday:

1. Got up at an ungodly hour and worked for twelve hours.

2. Still managed to have energy after work so I went to the laundromat and did some laundry. (We don't have w&d hook-ups here, so the laundromat will be my home for the next year while my perfectly awesome HE w&d take a break and live in storage)

3. Spent a lot of time thinking about my brother and how he has completely ruined his life, over something so stupid.

4. Took my wonderful little boys out to dinner.

5. Watched a little too much television. (As the World Turns, Guiding Light, My Boys, and The Hills) Don't know what I'd do without my dvr.

6. Sat up with Tim until too late in the night just enjoying his company. We haven't had too much time together lately with my crazy schedule.

7. Surfed the web, trying to decide on which vacuum cleaner to buy.

8. Spent some time with the kitties who live here. They really are pretty sweet.

8 Things I wish I could do:

1. Have another baby without all the hassles I've been going through these last few years.

2. Convince Tim that he will be happy in Ohio.

3. Order a new mom for Tim. Maybe then he'd stop being so hard on himself for stuff that isn't his fault.

4. Take the entire family on an awesome vacation to Hawaii this year. My parents could use the time away.

5. Convince Bob that lying really is the root of all evil. It leads to bad, bad things. I know he hears me, but he just doesn't get it.

6. Help my brother realize that there really are consequences for your actions and that soon mommy and daddy won't be able to bail him out. Then rewind time.

7. Convince my boss that I really do deserve a humongous raise and to stop dicking me around about it.

8. sew. (I'm such an embarrassment to my poor mother!!)

8 Shows I watch:
1. The Big Bang Theory

2. Two and a Half Men

3. My Boys

4. Psych

5. Monk

6. How I Met Your Mother

7. As the World Turns

8. Guiding Light (at least until Sept. when it's canceled. 73 years on the air, it just isn't fair!!)

Okay, so there is my list. Now I need to get off of here and get some dinner because that took entirely too long.

I will post my eight recipients in the next few days.

Until then, enjoy!!

back on the bandwagon

2009-04-26T21:09:00.002-05:00

Just when everything in my life seems to be getting better, I can't help but to find something to be upset about. I'm having a very Eeyore kind of day and I'm hating myself even more for it.

I'm so close to finally being away from my crazy mother-in-law, back to it being just the four of us, as it should be. After much worry, we found a place that we can not only afford, but it also allows us to save super amounts of money so that by this time next year, we'll own our own house. I've even gotten Tim to agree to consider owning said house in Ohio. Things are good. During a time in our nation where job certainty is iffy at best, Tim and I have stable jobs. We may not make the most money in the world but our careers aren't going anywhere, in fact, I'm probably getting another promotion, which will make two in the last six months for me. We're lucky in that respect. In a lot of respects actually. We have two healthy children, a solid relationship full of love and admiration (even after nine years together), a roof over our heads, and the aforementioned job security.

So why in the world am I beating myself up over what I don't have? The baby card has reared it's ugly head again. Every where I turn, people are either having babies, pregnant for the fourth or fifth time, and I'm still here, remembering the last baby they had, a pregnancy that I was just as jealous about, two or three years ago, because I too was trying to get pregnant THEN!! Fast-forward a few years later and they are planning yet another birth and I'm still sitting here. . . . waiting. . . . waiting for my little miracle. Every day you see in the news about some ungrateful mother who gave birth to a baby that she didn't want, later to throw it in a dumpster or drop it on the side of the road, or any other number of horrible things.

We were at Souplantation the other night and there was this family of eight there. Two "parents" and six children. The children ran around the restaurant like little hellions, while the parents sat there and acted like they had no children at all. They ignored these beautiful kids that were trying so desperately to get their parents attention, only to be told to leave them the hell alone whenever one of them would penetrate the "no children" wall their parents had created around them. That kind of thing makes me sick. It makes my uterus ache. Why is it that these families, people who can get pregnant by drinking out of same glass, don't value what they have? They act like children are inconveniences, sent to this earth to destroy their happiness. It's just so not fair!!!!

All I want to know is when will if be my turn?!! Will I get another turn?

I have to hope that the answer to those questions is soon and yes because I seriously don't think I could handle anything else at this point.

so, today is my birthday.

2009-04-19T22:50:00.002-05:00

And so far it's been wonderful. No natural disasters, no crazy people blowing up buildings or crazy sieges, no home fire aftermath, no loss of any jobs. It's been a nice change. Sure, we're in the middle of many big changes, not to mention yet another move (I'll post something soon about all of the stuff that's been going on lately) but things are rather calm this year, relatively speaking.

However, I couldn't go unscathed either, that just isn't allowed. A few days ago, Tim came down with these weird blisters all over his back. We had no idea what they were and didn't think much of it at first. Yesterday, there were more blisters along with intense itching. Still not to alarmed, he's had vaccinations for measles, he's already had chicken pox, and he's really too young for shingles. Then, today came the fever, headaches, backaches and so on. After doing a quick search on Dr. Google we're pretty sure that he does, in fact, have another case of the good ol' chicken pox.

Bumpo hasn't had them yet, which means he'll surely be next on the list to get them. I'm worried that I'll get them again, although I already had them when I was seven, my immune system totally sucks right now, leaving the gates wide open for an infection (or infestation, depending on your point of view).

Just what I always wanted for my birthday, a highly contagious virus. Not exactly what I meant by a break from work.

on the work front:

2009-03-24T20:50:00.002-05:00

I get to do something tomorrow that, although it is part of my new job title, still sucks major ass.

I get to fire someone. Someone who I personally share no love for. She is mean, she makes the work environment hostile, and worst of all she's trying to undermine me and my position.

I have been lucky enough to have two different store managers let me know of her behavior. To basically tell me that she is vying for my job. About how she takes her lunch break to rag on my team and how inept she thinks we are. How she can do my job, and everyone else's better and faster and more efficiently. She thinks it's her job to boss my team around. To go out of her way to insult each and every one of them. From the very first day she joined my team she did her best to alienate herself. She works alone. She looks down her nose at the rest of us. And tomorrow it will end.

My team is great. My team gets nothing but compliments when we are at these stores. I have the hardest store manager on my weekly schedule and she loves us. She thinks we're doing a great job. I'm not worried about my job security. I'm not worried that I'll loose my job. That isn't why I have to get rid of her tomorrow. I have to let her go for the benefit of the rest of my team. For the unprofessional behavior she continues to exhibit (she's actually made another team member of mine cry). I don't have time to babysit. I don't have time to fix everything she's trying to wrong. Basically, I don't have time for someone who is doing her best to make my daily job hell. I was told today, by an unbiased store manager to get rid of her. To get her off my team because her kind of attitude breeds evil. Granted, I knew that and thought the same thing, it was just finding a way to go about it that had me stumped.

Not anymore. Tomorrow will be her last day. No matter how much I dislike her, I'm still dreading what the new dawn will bring. It's never easy to let someone go. Add to that the way the economy is right now, and it makes this job ten times harder.

However, I'd rather loose one person than have the rest of my team slowly drop off, one by one, as she eats them alive.

a couple weeks later, not much has changed.

2009-03-15T16:25:00.002-05:00

So, here we are a couple weeks after my last post and yet nothing has really happened.

Since last time, Tim and I decided that we shouldn't be the ones to move out of this house. We can pay the bills, our kids are in a good school, and another move right now would be horrible for them. We've also decided that we are not going to give her any extra money. We can only afford what we told her so that's what we're offering. We wrote this all out, in a nice letter, and gave it to her. It seems a little childish to do it that way but with our schedules, and the fact that Debby tries to dominate any conversation we have with her, we felt it was the only way to be heard.

She hasn't talked to us since. We don't know what her plan is. If she plans to ride on our coattails until the end of the lease (which we will not allow), or if she has plans to move out by the end of the month. It's been interesting to say the least. We come and go as we please, not saying much to the woman who has taken up residence in the master bedroom. Oddly, it has been much more calming than having to deal with her at all. The kids are happier, I'm happier, and Tim isn't always that thin line. Not wanting to burden his family with his psycho mother, but not wanting to completely drop her either. She, I'm sure, is stewing. Waiting for the right time to approach us once again for money we don't have. She'll blame her entire situation on us once again and we'll do yet another battle. But for now things are calm. Things are quiet. But I can't help but wonder if this is just the calm before another massive storm. Yet another battle, when I'm still so darn tired from battles past. Yet this one I hope is different. I can't help but to dream of the day when we are free from the burden that is his mother. Free of her condescending ways, free of her pity parties. I long for the day when my children don't cringe when they see her car in the driveway. When Tim is able to spend his days off, in his home, instead of elsewhere trying to avoid an unnecessary battle. Right now, those are my dreams. Unfortunately, it's gonna take a huge blow-up storm to make any of that happen.

And to think, I was told hurricanes don't happen here in California.

conflicted

2009-03-01T15:54:00.002-05:00

This past week has proven to be quite difficult. A lot of things have gone wrong and I'm still not quite sure what to do about them.

From the beginning of this "California Journey" I knew things would be difficult. Impossible even. Especially when you add my mother-in-law into the equasion. She's a difficult woman all on her own. Anyway, from day one we told her what we could and could not afford. We were told that she would be covering her portion of the bills. That we wouldn't have to worry about supporting her. Well, six months into things and she is completely out of money. All of the bills are in her name and it turns out that she was using her credit cards to pay them, then coming to us to collect the money. So, she's up in arms with us because she now has unbelivable interest on her accounts, her ex has ruined her credit - which caused her credit limits to drop, and she's basically screwed. First of all, Tim and I had no idea she was fronting all the bills on her CREDIT CARDS!!! How stupid is that anyway?!! On top of that, we always paid her back, what did she do with the money we gave her?!! There are a lot of unanswered questions. But the fact of the matter is that she can no longer pay her own way.

We live in a three bedroom house, in Southern California. Rent here is outragous. Not to mention water and the rest of the bills. She can't pay her way, Tim is afraid she's going to be living on the streets, and my children are looking at another move (a total of three) within a year. Everything is a real mess and I can't help but despise her for all of this.

We are probably going to move into a one or two (if we're super lucky) bedroom apartment (that alone runs about $1500 a month) and be squished together like sardines until sometime next summer. It's a bad situation. What's worse, is it's exactly what I was afraid of all those months before I was forced into making this move. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I hate that woman, I hate what she has done to my family, and I hate that my dear Timmy is stuck in the middle having to choose between his mother and his children. Because honestly, there is no choice. Which sucks for her.

where i have been:

2009-02-17T21:37:00.002-05:00

Excuse #1:
I took a lateral promotion at work, meaning more work, more responsibility, but no better pay. With this promotion, I am up at the ass crack of dawn every day (4:00 a.m.) and work until about 2:30 p.m. Meaning I come home a tired mess. It's an awesome job though, don't get me wrong. I am now working for the district getting the stores ready for the new Long's conversion. My official title is something like Team Leader of Team A's Conversion/Plan-o-gram team. I don't have to be in my crappy store anymore, I get to work with a really awesome team of people and we basically go around to a different store in the district each day and do their plan-o-grams. When Long's start converting we will be in charge of training their employees and converting the stores over to our way of life. It's fun. I think I like it.

Excuse #2:
Along with the new promotion I've also been battling a weird kind of illness. Not quite sure what it is actually seeing as how I avoid doctors like nobody's business. Anyway, I've been coughing continuously every single day for the last two and a half weeks. Coughing so badly it causes me to throw up every single thing I eat. So, I'm basically living on Gatorade and Vitamin Water. Even when I do manage to eat something it makes me physically ill. My stomach hurts so bad it causes me to have problems breathing. (damn now that it's all typed out it seems more serious than I thought) And, no, before you suggest I am NOT PREGNANT. I think I've bought every test in every Target within a 20 mile radius of my house. All negative.

Excuse #3:
The children. When I am home and have enough energy to sit upright, I'm spending my time with them. We just got a new 14.2 mega pixel camera so I've been trying it out on them. Have a lot to upload just haven't found the time yet. We've been having a lot of fun though. Including a trip to San Francisco for the weekend and just yesterday we attempted to go to Ojai to see the snow.

Excuse #4:
The aforementioned San Francisco trip. Yeah that came on rather suddenly. Tim had a four day weekend, and I actually had a weekend off. So, we packed a bag and went to San Francisco for the weekend. It was so much fun. We didn't get to do everything we had planned but we did get to go on a boat tour under The Golden Gate Bridge, and around Alcatraz. We also tried out some awesome vegetarian restaurants and spent a great deal of time walking around Pier 39, stopping long enough to check out the amazing aquarium and to grab some "famous" San Francisco fudge and salt water taffy. The first day we got there the weather was amazing. We spent most of the day walking around downtown and getting our bearings. Second day, not so much. It was freezing with wind like you wouldn't believe. But we still made the most of it. Bundled up the kiddos and walked until we couldn't walk anymore. It was awesome.

Excuse #5:
We spent yesterday trying to figure out a way to get to the snow in Ojai. All the roads were closed off due to ice since it was raining. But it didn't stop us. We drove around for about four hours looking for a small access road up there but couldn't find one. Which in hindsight, was actually a blessing in disguise. Bumpo ended up getting pretty sick with breathing problems which would have been ten times worse by a day in the cold weather. So, we turned around, stopped at Target for some comfy snacks, headed home, threw on our pj's and spent the rest of the day watching blu ray movies on the couch. It was heaven.

stuff

2009-01-27T20:01:00.002-05:00

I started a new job at work this week. My pharmacy bought out another pharmacy and as such, are going through a huge transition. We're getting the newly acquired stores ready for the full makeover. As such, I've been promoted. I now get to travel to all the already converted stores in the area, getting their plan-o-grams ready, training new employees, and making sure everything stays up to date. That way, the bigger big-wigs, can focus on the new stores. So far I love it. It's fun, the day flies by, I'm home by 3:00, and I'm out of the store I hated. Can't get much better than that.

In other news, here at home everything is going well. Bumpo's birthday is rapidly approaching and we're trying to decide what to do. Disneyland or a big bounce house and lots of children in the backyard. It's his decision, and he's taking full advantage of that, changing it daily.

I still hate the fact that my mother-in-law lives with us and am doing everything in my power to change that. Tim wants to wait until the end of our lease but I don't know if I can wait that long. I say buy out the lease, and move now. Peace of mind and getting rid of her is worth the extra money.

Sorry again for not being around much lately. Things have been busy and I haven't had much time to think let alone form functional sentences.

And, on that note, I'm going to go. I am so darn tied from work today, I think I'm going to go lay (lie?) down for a little while before Tim comes home from work.

not much to say

2009-01-18T00:46:00.002-05:00

I've been in a funk lately. Not really depressed but stressed over things I can't change, yet anyway.

Sorry for being so quiet. Hopefully I'll find my voice soon.

i have one screwed up family

2009-01-11T13:55:00.002-05:00

Why is it that you don't quite realize how dysfunctional your own family is until someone dies? Then thoughts of going to said persons funeral lead to questions about feeling welcome, wheter it's really a good idea to attend the event, or to just send flowers expressing deepest sympathies.

My families problems started way back when I was very young. About one or two to be exact. My dad has two older children from a previous marriage and, well, they haven't always been the best of people. My brother, the baby making, woman marring, machine, doesn't have a good relationship with any of his children. I, personally, am only in touch with two of the five (who, by the way, turned into wonderful, wonderful, adults thanks to my lovely sister-in-law.) and have just recently made contact with the third (another one whom my sister-in-law took under her wing, my brother really was a fool to let her get away). The other two are off somewhere far, far, away (actually probably not that far) never to be heard from again.

My "sister" gives my brother a run for his title as a baby making machine. She is also addicted to drugs and alcohol, and dependent on the state to support her. When she was running low on money she'd pop out another baby to increase her paycheck. I'm pretty sure all of her children are grown now, so I guess I'm not quite sure how she's paying the bills. I haven't seen or spoken to her in years. My dad disowned her a long, long time ago. That in itself is a long discustiing story, nothing I really want to air here. Needless to say, my dad did the only thing he could do. My ex sis was/is toxic. My older brother also later stopped all communication with her, along with most of the people in my family. But, just because my dad chose to disown her, he still loved and worried all the time about her children.

On Friday, her oldest son died. From what we've heard through the grapevine, he had a seisure the day before, went home and was heard getting up to use the restroom. They heard him fall, tried to revive him to no avail. They think he died from a blood clot. This child had never had a good life. When he was little he got brain damage from a big wheel accident. You've already heard the stories about his mother, I don't know much about his father (hopefully he had some kind of support from him) the only person who really took him under her wing was my dad's ex-wife, his grandmother and she died years ago. Granted, all of this is heresay, I really don't know much for sure. What I do know though is that my dad is shaken, he is upset. I think one of his biggest regrets in life is not fighting harder to make sure those kids got good homes, either with us or someone else in the family.

Now the question looms, do we attend the funeral or leave well enough alone and just send flowers. My dad, I think, really wants to go to pay his last respects to his grandson. I've told him I'll fly back (hoping I can get a flight under $500) and go with him, along with Mark and my younger brothers. But still he hesitates. Partly because of his absence in Eric's life and his regrets, but also because even though they no longer speak, and haven't in years, he doesn't want to cause his first daughter anymore pain. After all, she did just loose a son.

welcome 2009

2009-01-04T02:08:00.002-05:00

So, I've spent the last few days (off and on in between work and kids and household crap) looking over my blog posts for the past year. I've noticed something interesting about them too, most of them have a very hostile tone to them. Interesting. I guess it's pretty accurate though. I hate to say it but 2008 was a very stressful year. From Tim losing his job, to the stress of moving across the country (against my better judgement), to living with my mother-in-law. I can still feel it's effects on my body. Hell, I may never recover from that last thing!

However, 2009 is a new year and I am going to try and make the best of it. I've always been a glass half full kinda gal and I'm not going to let the crazy living with me change that. I have a great life. A great family. A job. And as of right now I don't have to worry about how to pay the bills. It's more than a lot of of other people have. I'm lucky. It's time to focus on the positive. In the background, I'm going to be trying like hell to convince my dear husband to move away from here, but it's not going to be the main part of my life.

California is a beautiful place. I really am glad to be living here, if only for a short while. I get to see mountains every day, the beach whenever I feel like going (it's about five minutes away), and the desert isn't far either. I've never seen so much beauty in a single place before. It's time to start embracing it. So that is my resolution for 2009, always look for the positive in any situation. The silver lining, if you will. I need to find the old me, the one who did something about the negatives in her life.

Even if it's just to find the good part of every single day, you do what you can, right?!

Happy New Year all.

just a quick little something that's been weighing on my mind. . . .

2008-12-30T02:21:00.002-05:00

Okay, is it just me or is this just wrong (or at the very least, slightly disturbing):

My father-in-law, who is a high school teacher, is now on facebook and he has quite a few of his old students, mostly female, as friends. Now, maybe things have changed in the last ten years, but I never would have dreamed of having one of my ex teachers as a friend on facebook. I can't even see myself looking up any of them now and asking them to be my friend, and that includes the one I dated.

Keep in mind, these are students he hasn't even spoken to in over two years. To seek them out and ask them to be his friend is weird in my opinion. Am I nuts? Is that crossing the line? Or am I just finding a way to avoid going to sleep and officially ending my wonderful vacation from work?

sorry for the absence, i was kidnapped by facebook.

2008-12-28T14:54:00.002-05:00

So, Christmas here in California came and went and for the most part, it was excellent. The kids were happy with their loot, we stayed in our pjs all day long, dinner was easy, and the mother-in-law locked herself in her room for the entire day. Bliss I tell you, it was.

I have many pictures to post but unfortunately, my dear macbook is on her last leg (we've had her since 2003, orange juice has been spilled in her, kids have dropped her, it's really quite amazing she works at all.) and I'm afraid of what 100 more pictures would do to her. I might attempt it later, haven't quite decided yet. Until then I'm going to be looking through Apple's website trying to decide what to get to replace my dear laptop. It's bitter sweet I tell ya.

On a different note, you may have been wondering where in the world I've been. Well, my only excuse is Facebook. My dear sister-in-law got me hooked on it. My whole family is on there plus a lot of high school friends I had completely forgotten about. I mean, come on, where else can you go and learn that your brother is out shopping, your dad is looking at pictures from your brother's wedding, your best friend from high school should be sleeping, and your ex neighbor has turned into quite the partier. It's fascinating, people!! Especially when there are more important things that need to be done. And in some weird sense, it makes me feel closer to home. Closer to the drama a small town creates. It's awesome.

all i want for christmas is . . . .

2008-12-16T13:54:00.002-05:00

. . . . a car that works.

. . . and my bills paid off.

. . . . and a house without my mother-in-law drama.

. . . and my extended family, near.

. . . and all of my fertility issues to go away.

. . . and a job I don't hate.

Other than those few, very minor things, my life is wonderful.

But, in all seriousness things are going well here. I think we are about done Christmas shopping for the kids this year. It's proven to be quite a bit harder to shop for them this year though. Tim and I had our annual "Shop till You (meaning him) Drop Day" this past Friday and we must have looked in a million different stores before we bought a single thing. We're really trying to simplify things this year. Only buy them toys we know will last. Toys we know they'll love. Believe it or not, it's very hard d to find toys that fall under BOTH of those catagories.

More importantly though, it really helped us to realize that our children really don't want for anything. When we were reviewing their lists this year, we noticed that they were literally just writing down anything and everything they came across. They really didn't want any of it. For example, Bob had a GPS on his list. When I asked him if he even knew what a GPS was, he had no clue. In the past, Tim and I have both seriously overdone Christmas. We love watching the kids open their gifts come the big day. We never really paid much attention to the fact that most of the gifts that we had just spent hundreds of dollars on, went unnoticed, not played with, the whole year through.

This year will be different. There won't be as many gifts under the tree. But the gifts that will be there, were well thought out, well planned, and I know they will walk away with many more hours of play in those fewer toys than they ever have in Christmases past.

still alive, sorta

2008-12-07T14:46:00.003-05:00

So sorry I haven't been around lately.

Things here have gone from bad to worse and the stress level here at home is almost unbearable. My mother-in-law is sucking us dry, money-wise, and emotionally as well. She's constantly begging us for money for one thing or another, so much so that since we've moved in, Tim has handed over every single one of his paychecks to her. Every. Last. Cent. And it still doesn't make her happy. Now, we've put our foot down. Christmas is around the corner and by god, nothing is going to keep us from giving our children a Christmas to remember. They come first, after all.

So, now we're not talking to her, she's not talking to us and when she does say something it's just all about her and how sick she is and how miserable she feels.

Like for example: the other night, she was back and forth from the garage to her room, doing laundry. She swears she walked out of her room with a (tiny) basket, tears streaming down her face, and that Tim and I just looked at her, not bothering to ask if she needed help.

I remember the basket, I remember her carrying it, but I didn't see a single tear. Neither did Tim.

On top of that, she's a grown freakin' woman, if she needs fucking help, she needs to ask for it. We aren't mind readers for crying out loud.

Anyway, on top of all that, it's almost like she's bound and determined to suck the Christmas spirit out of anyone who lives here. This is my most favorite time of year. I love everything about it. And while I'm usually horrible at handling stress, this kind of stress doesn't usually bother me. I thrive in it.

This year however, I've been nauseous for over a week. Sicker than anything for the last four days, and on most days it's hard for me to remember it's even Christmas.

Tim is working six days a week right now, so even though he tries to be, he isn't much help. When he comes home he's so exhausted that I step into the caregiver role and take care of him. Regardless of how I'm feeling. He's way stressed, in fact it's probably a lot worse on him than on me.

Case and point, I'm just sick of this whole thing. I'm sick of this living situation. I'm sick of the bitch that lives with us. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of watching my dear husband work his ass off and still feel like he's not doing enough for his family. I'm sick of his mother telling him that his job isn't good enough because it isn't in technology, where she thinks he should be, even though this job makes him happy when technology didn't. I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I just want this whole thing to end. I want my mother-in-law to move out. I want my husband back. I want to feel like it's okay to come home. I want my kids to be happy. And I just want it to feel like Christmas again.

happy thanksgiving.

2008-11-27T13:35:00.002-05:00

I figured I'd better post now before all of the festivities begin.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of great family, a big ol' newspaper full of black Friday ads, and a menu that is just as good in person as it was on paper.

To my wonderful family; I love all of you very much and miss the heck out of each and every one of you. I'm counting down the months until we are able to be back in the state I love, surrounded by the family I've been without for the last eight years.

Have a wonderful day.

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

2008-11-25T22:30:00.003-05:00

I haven't finished my shopping for Thanksgiving yet, no pies are in the refrigerator, the house needs to be cleaned one last time, and I have to work tomorrow, but I'm still absolutely infatuated with this time of year.

Tomorrow is jammed packed with enough shopping and prep work that you'd think I was feeding every. single. person. I've. ever. met. But that's how I roll. The whole menu thing just sort of snowballs, I see it happening yet I can't figure out how to stop it. There are just too many good things to choose from. I must make them all!

So, here is my final (I think) menu for this year:

Dinner:
Tofurky (a must in any vegetarian household)
Basketball (really it's a stuffed tofu turkey, made from tofu, this is just my husband's name for it - - he prefers this over Tofurky)
Stuffing (the Pepperage Farm, in a bag kind. Tim wouldn't accept anything else)
Mashed Potatoes (don't really have a recipe for these, I just kinda throw them together, my only criteria: Yukon Gold Potatoes.)
Gravy (of course, it's a must with the "basketball" and the potatoes. Unfortunately, I suck at gravy, so this is just the vegan Hein's packaged kind. But, it's damn good!)
One can of cranberry sauce (Ocean Spray all the way, the jello-y kind. Nothing else will do, I'm the only one who eats it, so what I say goes!)
Kale, Green Beans, and Mushrooms
Best Brussels Sprouts (these really are the best I've ever had. NOTHING even comes close to these. Try them, even if you don't like Brussels sprouts, you'll love these.)
Sour Cream Muffins (except vegan)

Desserts:
Pumpkin Pie (sorry can't find the recipe for this one, super easy though. Basically it's just pumpkin and tofu with sugar and spices.)
Cheesecake (there are about a million recipes for this on vegweb.com but I kinda do my own thing here as well)
Chocolate Turtle Truffle Torte (Bumpo's all time favorite. This really is the best dessert in the world!)

Okay, so there you have it. It's nice to see it all written down on something more. . . . concrete.

My plan is to start on the desserts tomorrow after I get home from work and shopping. Should be easy enough.

Of course, that all depends on how crowded the stores are. Hopefully there aren't too many other people out there waiting until the last minute to do their shopping. . . . .

. . . . Hey, I said "hopefully"!

I'll let you know how it goes.

sorry, no halloween pictures this time

2008-11-18T19:01:00.002-05:00

With Thanksgiving nearly a week away, life is pretty hectic here at home. I have a menu to plan, grocery shopping to do, a Christmas budget to set, holiday cookies to plan out, and most importantly, I need to find a way to keep my mother-in-law OUT of the kitchen. She's threatening to make the mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. Anyone who knows me knows that mashed potatoes are MY signature dish. Actually, come to think of it, Thanksgiving is my signature meal. I love planning it. I love cooking it. And except for a few minor projects that I despise (cutting the veggies, peeling the potatoes, cleaning up afterwards) the kitchen is off limits on that day.

Ah, the joys of sharing the house with another female adult.

You know you feel my pain. . . . .

Anyway, moving on. . . . .

Everything else here at home is rather mundane. Kids going to school, adults going to work, cats being their cute kitty selves, dog being her possessive "nothing is better than a dog" cute self, mother-in-law claiming to have illness after illness just begging for someone to PAY ATTENTION TO HER, IN HER TIME OF NEED (that never seems to end). Yep, same ol' same ol'.

Oh what, you didn't hear about my mother-in-law's latest?!! Oh my I have toned down the hate, haven't I?!! Well, for those of you who like it that way, lets end this post now.

Okay, now that they're gone, let me explain.

It seems as though the mother-in-law has kidney disease. Now, I am in no way making light of her (not yet confirmed) situation. Because heaven knows I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even her. I truly feel bad for all she is going through. What I can't handle is the self loathing, self pitying act that she continues to put on.
"Oh poor me, I just got well only to get sick again."

"Oh poor me, I'm sooooooo sick, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to work."

"Oh, my son Tim, he's horrible because he doesn't bow down to my every whim and wait on me hand and foot."
"Wait, you mean he has a family of his own?"
"But, it's supposed to be all about me, screw his supposed family, she could never love him nearly as much as I love myself . . ."
"er, I mean him."

"What you expect me to clean up the kitchen, after you've been doing it for weeks in a row? Oh, I'm so sorry, I'll just ignore your requests, and feign nausea instead."

"By the way, got any chocolate?"

I could go on and on, but I won't. Needless to say, we aren't sure if she really is sick or if it's all a big ploy (like the many other's she's pulled) to get attention because moving out here just hasn't worked out the way she thought it would. Her beloved Brad didn't drop his wife and hop on her broom, she didn't make a million friends like she had thought, and she didn't land that full-time lucrative career she thought she would. Because, you know, the job opportunities are so much better out there. We'll forget the fact that there are a lot more people to compete with as well. People who aren't coming down with the last thing they read on WebMD. People who are nice. And people who (despite her young age of 54) aren't older than dirt. My parents, for example, are much older than that and both still hold down full-time jobs. You can't slow them down.

Okay, I'm done with my rant. What can I say, the holidays are upon us and I'm missing my family like mad. This faux extended family (and by that I mean her) sucks ass.

Plane tickets to Ohio for my little family of FOUR.

That's the only thing on my list this year.

PS. Sorry, this post is a little more violent than most. Don't know what got in to me there. It's just stuff I've been holding in for far too long.

busy busy busy

2008-11-16T15:27:00.001-05:00

I'm still alive, still well.

Still need to post the Halloween pictures.

Still need to find the time.

Will post later this week.

hope

2008-11-04T23:43:00.002-05:00

Finally, after eight years of hell, hope and change are alive and well.

History was made tonight, people. Wonderful, wonderful history.

For the first time in a long time, I will sleep peacefully tonight.

vote

2008-11-04T16:35:00.005-05:00

Okay, so it's no secret who I'll be voting for today.

I think Tim stated it best when we were going over our choices last night. . . . . . "We're voting for the minorities. Vote for the homos (NO on Prop 8), vote for the animals (YES on Prop 2), and, most importantly, vote for the black man."

But seriously, whatever your choice, get out there, do your American duty and vote, damn it.

We're very lucky to have choice in this country. And even if you make the wrong one (hehehehe), at least you made one.

Good luck, and may the best man win, or may we all be doomed!

a pumpkin patch, and some photos

2008-11-01T18:43:00.010-05:00

So, this post is a little late coming, but I've been busy.

One of the things I love about California is that anything you need, food wise, is grown locally. This includes pumpkins. So, this year the boys had the pleasure of going to a real live pumpkin patch and picking their very own pumpkin. It was so much fun.

We made a deal before we got there, that whoever got the biggest pumpkin, was in charge of hauling the wheel barrow around. Oh, and also, we weren't allowed to get a pumpkin we couldn't carry ourselves.

So, we searched and searched for our perfect carving pumpkin.

And, finally, after many, many "false alarms" we were all happy with our choices.

So, we were all able to go home, happy.

. . . . . Oh, and just in case you were wondering, Bob won "The Biggest Pumpkin" reward.

balance

2008-10-21T18:54:00.002-05:00

. . . . It's a funny thing, that there word. You never seem to stop searching for it.

As a baby, you discover it's importance when you try to sit up for the first time. The same is true for a toddler learning to walk. Later on, to ride a bike, or skates, or just about any other wheeled toy. But, even as an adult, I still find myself searching for it.

Sadly, it hasn't gotten any easier to find.

How does a working mom not feel guilty for leaving the children at home, spending ten hours of her day at work? Leaving an hour or two for the most important people in her life, trying desperately to cram as much quality time in to those hours as possible, wondering, hoping that it's enough?

How does a stay-at-home-mom not loose touch with themselves? Make sure they aren't fully consumed by the notion of making their kids happy, so much so that she depends on them to fill her day, just as much as they depend on her.

I'm walking those lines now. I work full time, but in my heart of hearts, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, I still consider myself a stay-at-home-mom. My boys are my life.

This is where that dear word rears it's ugly head again in my life, I feel that I haven't found the proper balance between work and home. I spend too much of my time away, and when I am home, work has me so exhausted that I'm really not giving all I could to my dear family.

On the flip side of that, I need my job. The extra money is a nice thing to have, especially now with the hard times everyone is facing. Quitting isn't an option. Cutting back and still keeping my same rate of pay also isn't an option. I've rearranged my hours, cut back on my night shifts, and have worked really hard to make the days I have off special for the boys. Whether it be cleaning the entire house top to bottom, together. Or, spending the day at the park, I make sure to include them in whatever the agenda holds.

Yet, something is still off. I'm wearing myself to the bone. I'm tired constantly, have a fever at least three nights a week, and can't remember the last time I've had a decent nights sleep.

So, back to the drawing board I go. There has to be a way to do everything that has to be done, without killing myself in the process. My boys don't just deserve a mom who is there when she can be, they deserve a mom who actually enjoys the trips to the parks, the walks around the neighborhood, the shopping excursions to find the perfect Halloween costumes. They deserve a mom who gets just as much enjoyment out of those events as they do, instead of someone who is wishing we could just hurry it up already so I can get home to rest.

So, balance, once again I search for you. Hopefully, once I do find you, it's just like riding a bike.

home, without a plan

2008-10-13T12:59:00.002-05:00

Okay, so that's not entirely true. I have a car that needs it's driver side window fixed, (it's not broken, the window itself, it just refuses to be useful and you know, roll down, the joy of power windows.) a mountain of laundry that needs to be done, another mountain, just as daunting, of boxes to unpack, a house to clean, an empty camera card begging to be filled with pictures, some beautiful weather to partake in, and a husband who also happens to have the day off.

So, with so much to do why am I sitting on my butt, typing on here instead?!! Well, I have no clue. I guess subconsciously, I'm still trying to talk myself out of the boring mundane tasks that have to be done (the laundry, the cleaning, the unpacking, the car) and find a good enough excuse to drop all that grown-up crap for the better options instead.

Better yet, why don't I hurry through the boring stuff and head out a little later to enjoy this beautiful weather.

A little ambitious? Maybe.

Doable? Definitely.

I'll be back later with pictures.

it's contagious

2008-10-05T00:46:00.002-05:00

The air is turning cooler here, and the first hints of fall are all around us.

We can begin to see the change in colors on the hills that surround our home. The roses in the yard are beginning their natural decent into the cooler weather as their petals litter the ground. The lemons on the tree outside our bedroom window are starting to show the first signs of frost.

Autumn is definitely here.

The weatherman even said we could plan on getting a little rain today. It's amazing, being from Florida and all, I've seen rain at least a billion times. It rains almost daily there. Yet, here, in Southern California, where it never rains, you remember how magical a little precipitation can be. It's like looking forward to the first snow in winter. It's festive, and cozy, and most of all it draws you home.

As the cooler air crashes through the open windows, I find myself cuddled on the couch with the family I love so dearly, watching a movie we couldn't find time for over the summer. It doesn't matter that I should be at work today, or that the reason I'm not is because I'm super sick, covered in hives and hopped up on enough benadryl to bring down an elephant. I wouldn't change this for anything in the world.

I love this season. It's a time to reconnect. A time to refocus on what's important in life. A time to draw near everything that was too hot to be around over the summer. A time to slow down and enjoy life, before the craziness of the upcoming holiday season begins.

Needless to say, despite how I feel physically, it's hard to focus on my poor health right now. There is so much beauty around that it's hard to be anything, but happy.

rut

2008-09-30T00:17:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I think it's safe to admit that this blog has been in quite the rut for the last. . . . oh. . . . year or so.

It used to be that I'd be driving down the road and plotting out blog entries while I went. All "Queen of Multi-Tasking" and all. Now, my drives are filled with thoughts of another kind. Mainly my schedule, and the lack of a little thing called time. I'm running ragid, I'm feeling guilty about the lack of time I spend with those I love dearly, I'm tired, I'm dealing with hives again, and that whole infertility issue still looms in the background.

So, long story short, I'm seriously missing the creative person I used to be. I think it's time for some restructuring. Time to really analyze every aspect of my life and find room for the things that matter and remove all the things that don't. It's time to get back some "me" time. I'm not quite sure what that means, or what my future holds but I do know that my life just isn't working the way it is right now. I'm working too much, spending too much time in bed, and not enough time on the house or my family. It's going to be a daunting task but the end result will be well worth it.

Hopefully you'll be seeing my creative juices running a little more freely around here as well.

I miss it.

And I miss all of you.

But mostly, I miss myself, the happy self I used to be.

10

2008-09-26T16:52:00.002-05:00

The old saying is true, time really does fly by.

I can still remember being eighteen with this huge secret on my heart. Not knowing what to do or how to fix it. Worried about the future, my parents finding out, and most of all for this little life growing inside of me. I knew, even in those early days, that he deserved a great life. A life full of love and adventure. A life I was lucky enough to have growing up. Oh, how I worried that I wasn't good enough to give that to him. Too young to take on the responsibility of raising a child. Too scared to share my burden with others. Too stubborn to let people help me. Too ashamed to acknowledge, even to myself, that this was really happening to me.

Then the day came when he was born, and my life changed. At the age of eighteen, ready or not, I became a mother. Surrounded by my mother, Scott and the rest of my family I welcomed my beautiful baby boy into this world. I cried when I saw his beautiful face. And during those first moments, I knew. I knew I could rise to the challenge of making that little boy's life amazing. Ready to take on whatever crossed my path. He was my son and he deserved the best. I wouldn't settle for anything less.

*******

Ten years later and here I sit, now twenty-eight with a pre-teen staring back at me. And I wouldn't change a single moment for all the money in the world. Sure, there have been challenges and yeah I do laugh at the naive me from back then who thought this journey would be a walk in the park.

But, he's healthy and he's happy and I am so happy he's mine. I've enjoyed every second of watching this little baby of mine grow into a boy and I look forward to watching this boy turn in to a beautiful young man, just let the time slow down a little.

Happy birthday Bob, my first child, the person who's been with me the longest. Thanks for making that scared teenager, a mom.

playing hooky

2008-09-11T17:18:00.003-05:00

I've mentioned it before, but it bears repeating. . . . I hate my new store. It's a mess, no one seems to care that it's a mess, and everyone just sort of deals with the mess instead of doing anything to fix it. I've been assured that this is a west coast thing, (although I seriously doubt it) but it drives this Easterner batty.

Anyway, what else is someone who is completely fed up with their job supposed to do but take a "me" day. Which is exactly what I did. I took Tim to work, slept until noon, and then spent the rest of the day desperatly searching for a new career. Or a job. Or, at this point, anything that pays just about any amount of money to get me out of that horrid store, or as I like to refer to it, the twilight zone.

I haven't felt this good since I started that job. It's amazing how good it feels to not show up for a job you hate, knowing you'll still receive a full paycheck at the end of the week. Thank goodness for benefits!

Well, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my day with two of the boys who make my life so darn awesome.

back in the swing of things

2008-09-09T22:35:00.002-05:00

I don't know if it's the cooler breezes here, or the start of school, but I'm feeling very settled.

The boys are loving their new school. They've both made a ton of new friends and their teachers have been extremely nice to them. Come to think of it, everyone we've met so far here has been incredible. Because of the weather here, they get to eat lunch outside every day and spend a great deal of time outdoors as well. And the view from their school is absolutely amazing! I'll have to take some pictures of it because it's breathtaking.

Personally, I'm liking it here, my job sucks, again, but what else is new on that front. I'm really missing my old store and everyone there. I was really spoiled there with a boss that worked and coworkers who actually knew what they were doing. This new store is a mess. Plain and simple. My new boss is only there a few days a week, no one knows the policies, and everyone just sort of goes along in their day counting down the minutes until their shift is over. We have entire sections without product on them, nothing is where it goes, and I don't think that store has been truly straightened in a very long time. To top it off, I'm expected to get in there and clean everything up! I can do it, I've done it before, but honestly, for what I'm making I don't have the motivation to do it again. I'm sick of being the bad guy. So, the search is on for a good ol' office job. One with regular hours, no weekends, and (most importantly) no holidays.

Well, that's it from the west coast, it's creeping up on my bedtime here and I need to spend some quality time with a certain man in my life.

Goodnight!

so it's been awhile

2008-08-30T14:50:00.002-05:00

I've logged on to this blog about a million times, but each time I think of all I have to say and how long it's been since I last updated.

The events over the last month have been a little overwhelming, to say the least.

We are currently in California, living in Ventura to be exact. The weather here is absolutely perfect and things are going well. I still have moments of brief panic but I think I will be able to stand living here for the next 1-2 years. Tim and I were both able to transfer our jobs to here and so far, it looks like it was a good move. Both of the pharmacies we work for are expanding like mad out here and the job opportunities seem to be endless.

I'm still not sure if this was the best move for me and the idea of spending the next year living with my mother-in-law still drives me up a wall but I'm hoping to make the most of it. It's an exciting experience and I want to enjoy every moment of it instead of thinking about what should have been, that will just drag me down in the end.

So, for now I am happy to say that we are finally settled, at least for the time being. I should be around a lot more often now that we have internet in the house. Stay tuned for the exciting journey this new chapter of my life will bring.

just in case you were wondering. . .

2008-07-07T15:12:00.003-05:00

I haven't forgotten about this blog. I know it's been rather sucky lately and for that I apologize.

Things are out of sorts around here, still. And I'm just fresh out of things to say on the subject matter.

Unfortunately, that subject matter happens to be my entire life right now. . .

So I'm sure you can see my dilemma.

. . . . Oh, and happy fourth. Our day was rather low key, with me working during the day, Bob in Ohio, and Tim working all night. Bumpo and I watched some fireworks on the beach and then we went home. The end.

Exciting huh?!!

a bulleted list for your viewing pleasure.

2008-06-23T15:51:00.002-05:00

When does life slow down? Seriously? Seems like all I manage to do lately is go go go. Although I'm sure if life were to slow down, I'd be complaining about boredom. Damned if you do, I guess.

I don't have a whole lot of time to post. Once again I am at Krystal which means my time is limited by the amount of time it takes my extremely hungry child to scarf down an order of fries before the whining begins.

So, in an effort to catch up, I'm opting for an old favorite. . . .

The Bulleted List.

Bob left for Ohio about a week ago. All by himself on a jet plane. Made this mommy nervous as hell to think of my NINE year old child, alone, on a plane, with only a flight attendant assigned to his safety.
While Bob is away we are working frantically to find a house in CA or OH or somewhere. So far CA is a no-go. Oddly enough no one wants to rent a house to people who may or may not be able to afford it, go figure.
I'm still working like mad to convince Tim that Ohio is the place for us. Unfortunately, even if I do convince him, we still don't have enough money to move there.
People all around me are getting hurt. First Scott, Bob's dad, got into a really bad car accident and nearly died. Luckily for him, his windshield didn't break, which saved his life but cost him a few broken ribs and a shattered wrist. Then my brother (the one who is about to have a baby any day now) was at work and fell off of a roof, shattering his wrist and cracking a few vertibre. When is this darn black cloud going to leave my family alone?!
Tim's mom, Debby, is being a real pain in the ass. Steve, her husband, is home all the time now since he is/was a school teacher and it's summertime and all. If I have to hear about how much she hates being home one more time, I'll hurt her.
Speaking of Steve, this poor guy can't catch a break. First he finds out that his entire family is moving to California without him, including his beloved dog, but then he looses his job due to the darn budget cuts. His life sucks right now. And if that's not enough, he has to deal with Debby on a daily basis.
My house needs a serious clean-up. It's super bad. Boxes everywhere, clothes scattered on the unused couch in the living room, clean but in need of folding. It's a disaster. I just need to find a way to squeeze in enough time to do those dreaded tasks.
I think I took too many benedryl pills today because I'm feeling very tired and dizzy. Which means I should probably go pick up Tim and head on home to bed.

And on that note. . . .

round and round we go. . . .

2008-06-11T13:17:00.001-05:00

. . . . where we'll stop, nobody freakin' knows.

It's about 2:30 in the afternoon, and I'm sitting at my local Krystal, listening to my two hyper boys - - hopped up on all the last day of school energy and about ten pounds of sugar, play around me. A storm is threatening to drench us in any second and although I know I should be heading home, I can't bring myself to turn off this computer and head back to my apartment where Comcast has made it impossible to communicate via the web. I've been out of touch for way too long.

Yet not much has changed.

We're still not sure what our future holds for us. California is looking more and more like the way we're going to go. And I'll still planning on fighting till the bitter end. The only progress Tim and I have made is that we know, for sure, that we cannot continue to live here. We're way too far behind. Plus, we both have grown to hate this small town we live in. We need a fresh start. A place to start over. We both know that Ohio is the much better solution to our financial problems, (it's so much cheaper to live there.) plus I would love to be back near my family, but getting there is the major problem. We don't have the money to move. A move like that takes a couple thousand dollars between renting the truck and deposits when we get there. We can't save that kind of money in the short time we have left here. Which makes California the likely choice. We can at least get there. We should be fine financially too, but it requires his mom to live with us, and WORK. Neither of which I'm too sure about. I absolutely hate the idea of living with this woman, and here desire to work is a bit on the iffy side. However, at this point, we are pretty much out of options. And even though I hate to admit it, this may be a fight I'm bound to loose, at least for now.

So basically, this post is much of the same. Our decisions change on a daily basis right now. Things are crazy and more than anything I'd like for them to calm down. I'm craving the stability right now. I want more than anything to move back home, be near my family, have my children grow up with more family around than they could ever ask for. That is my goal. And by golly, I'm not going to stop until I reach it. Even if it means a detour or two before I get there.

missing: one sane mind

2008-05-26T18:25:00.003-05:00

A little over two weeks, that's all of the school year we have left. And while I am super excited for the extra time it allows with the boys, I'm dreading it.

The end of the year also means we're that much closer to our big move to California. A place that most people would only dream of moving to. Yet, I find myself drawn to a tiny town in Ohio instead. California is known for many things, awesome weather, celebrities, unlimited career opportunities, the works. Ohio, on the other hand, has only a handful of well known attributes, and that may be pushing it. Yet, it's home. Where my family lives, where my brother will be welcoming his first child in a matter of weeks, where the holidays would be full of fun and festivities as all my relatives visit, the place I really want to be. California, on the other hand, is about as far away from Ohio as possible. It's full of wonder, the excitement of the unknown. The kind of thing I always thrive at.

I do love myself a new adventure. This adventure just has too many risks. The cost of living out there is outrageous, I'd be LIVING with my crazy mother-in-law, and after doing the math, we'd be coming up about $400 short a month in the living expenses category. Not a good way to start a new adventure.

Tim's mom is pressuring us to go. She's paying for the move, we've given her our word, and Tim feels obligated to go. A couple weeks ago when we made this promise, we had nothing to lose, things could only get better, now things are different. Tim got a job. Not only did he get a job but he got a fantastic job. He's working as an Assistant Manager at a competing nationwide pharmacy. Now the need to move, for us, isn't so great. If anything, it makes things much more complicated. Now we have to transfer two jobs. We have to find a location somewhere in between the two unknown locations so that sharing a car isn't quite so difficult. All the while, making sure we don't obliterate our already bleeding budget on gas alone.

The only good points I can make FOR our move to California is that the weather is so much better. 70 degrees on average all year long. The hottest it gets in August, their hottest month, is around 80. Perfect for me. That, and I've really grown to hate my job. Well, actually I love my job. I hate the store I'm working in currently. It's the misfit store. We went two weeks without a store manager, leaving us lowly shift managers scurrying around, trying to make the most of a store that has been neglected for far too long. Now, we have a new manager, but we've been told he'll only be around for a couple months. Meaning he's here to make a good impression on the bosses above, whip our crappy store into shape, and not care who he takes down in the process. I miss my old store. The one that actually had customers, and employees, and teamwork, and all the good stuff that makes a business run. I'm looking forward to a transfer, or a new job, or something.

Okay, so this is yet another post of endless nonsense babble. So sorry for the few of you who may still be reading this. I guess this whole damned post could be summed up in one sentence. . .

I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!

a decision has been made. . . .

2008-05-10T22:44:00.002-05:00

. . . . and we will be moving to California at some point next month, after the kids are out of school and when we have a definite plan in place for Bob's summer with dad.

I am quite apprehensive about the whole thing. While I'm not sure this is the smartest thing we can do with our future at this point in time, I know a decision has to be made. Tim has a job lined up when we get there, my job is easily transferable, yet I find myself dreading that bottom line. We'll make more there. We'll make plenty, on paper, to pay the bills and stash some away. But, we all know how the budget on paper goes, unexpected expenses always happen and it always ends up costing more than you think, no matter how much you think you over budget. Especially when you plan on living in the most expensive state in the country.

Not to mention the whole California - - unpredictable earthquake thing. That scares the shit out of me to be completely honest. Experts say that a big one isn't far off. Granted, in their terms it means it could be tomorrow or a hundred years from now. Plus, we deal with the threat of hurricanes here. Although, personally given the choice, I'd pick hurricanes any day over a damn earthquake. At least I know when a hurricane is coming.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that, in my heart of hearts, I still feel that Ohio would have been the much more reasonable solution. There I could have paid the bills on what I make alone. The budget would have been super tight, but again, that's just factoring in my income alone. Tim would have gotten a job and even if he could only find something making minimum wage, (and I'm sure he could have found something making much more than that) we would have been ahead. But it snows in Ohio, and snow and Tim don't mix.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the best part about all of this. . . . Tim's mom is moving with us. Not only is she moving with us, but she's moving IN with us. She says only for the next year, until she can stand on her own, but I seriously doubt we'll ever see the day she leaves.

So, there it is, we're California bound, and in a little over a month. Meaning we have a whole lot to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Oh, and I get the added pleasure of talking with my district manager, you know the one who JUST promoted me, and letting him know that I won't be sticking around the area like I had thought, then begging him for a transfer. Should be fun.

and so it begins

2008-05-04T20:06:00.000-05:00

It seems as though the nine year old that resides here has learned a new word.

He has informed me throughout the day that many of the things he did, just yesterday, are now “not mature”.

Amongst the list:

Spongebob – he just doesn’t get the adolescent humor of it anymore.

Spaghetti with cut up pasta – apparently it’s much more “mature” to lap at your food like a kitten thirsty for milk.

Bedtime stories – he’s now old enough to read on his own.

His little brother – the day has finally arrived. Bob thinks Bumpo is too much of a baby to play with. Especially when they’re outside together and his older, much cooler, friends are around.

Giving his mother a hug – at least in front of his friends, or at school, or anywhere in public. During those times, I don’t exist, except as his chauffer and ATM.

Yes, it is a sad, sad day indeed. My little boy is growing up. Luckily, the list of unacceptable's is still on the small side. As the years go on, he’ll find more and more things that are “immature” in his eyes.

For now, it just serves as a reminder to enjoy the little things I have left for as long as I possibly can.

Especially the goodnight hugs, the request for whooshes when I tuck him in, his trusty stuffed Ellie to sleep with at night, and more than anything, the fact that he still needs me, if only for a little while longer.

wfmw: a new use for gift cards

2008-04-30T09:10:00.003-05:00

I have been dying to post this idea of mine for months now. However, usually by the time I remember it's Wednesday, the list over at Rocks in my Dryer is well over 200 and I don't see the point of getting lost among an enormous crowd. However this week I think I caught it early enough . . . .

With summer right around the corner and the idea of having my children home all day long, I've been trying to come up with ways to keep them occupied. Now, I don't know about you whenever I ask my kids what they'd like to do, it's usually something to do with bowling, mini golf, or the movies. Basically, they are the normal "nothing to do in their own backyard" type.

Well, I don't know if you've noticed but even bowling is rather expensive now. Taking this little family of four out for a movie easily costs us $50-$60, not to mention the gas to get there.

The worst part about all of this is, given all of our schedules, when we finally realize we'll all be home together and free for long enough to partake in such an event, it's usually too late to budget such an expense. Meaning that if we choose to do something fun as a family, we'll be eating baked beans and veggie dogs all week long to make up for it.

So, after many a Saturdays of wishing I would have scheduled better, I came up with an idea.

Gift Cards!!

They are in every supermarket now. Cards for the movies, a million different restaurants, toy stores, the bigger arcade/golf places, even Bush Gardens. So, now what I'll do, is when I have a little money left over from the weekly grocery budget, I'll pick up a gift card or two, depending on how much I have left, it could be a $5 gift card to Blockbuster (perfect for a movie night at home), or a $20 gift card to Barnes and Noble. Doesn't matter what it is, just something that I know the kids will enjoy. That way, when the situation arises when we're all sitting around wishing there was money in the budget to do something besides the beach or the local park, we go on over to the trusty gift card book and let that plan our day for us.

Oh, and as an aside, the gift card idea works really well for home improvement projects, vacations, and other stuff too.

For more ideas head on over to Rocks in my Dryer.

living in limbo

2008-04-25T10:31:00.002-05:00

I swear, that title so describes my life for the past. . . . four months. Or at the very least, the last two months.

Since Tim lost his job things have been strained to say the least. Money is tighter than tight, stress levels are through the roof as we count every penny (something neither one of us is used to) and budget every dime. We're coming up in the end of the month with no idea where we're going to come up with rent for May. And, even if we are able to scrape together the funds for a roof, we start the vicious cycle of the monthly bills once again. The same bills I was just able to pay off for this month. My job isn't enough, and we are fighting not only an uphill battle, but an upstream battle as well. It's a terrible spot to be in.

On the lighter end of things, Tim has even more job prospects in the works. Lately, we've been throwing around the idea of him starting his own business as a Web Designer. He's super talented in the field and it could lead to a great income. Not to mention the vast lot of small businesses around that really need a decent website. However, starting up a business takes money. Money that could go to cover our bills. That could buy us another month in this apartment. But, even if it did, there's still a very real chance that we'd be out in June anyway. It's a thin, thin line and the thought of stepping over either side enough to send me into a panic.

Starting a new business is risky. On the one end, he has a proposal ready for one company (who approached him), and is working on another for a local restaurant with a terrible website. We're pretty sure (not to jinx anything of course . . . . knock on wood) that the first one is in the bag. Which would give us enough money to cover the rent, bills, and any start-up costs we will have. However, if the other businesses aren't as willing to fork over the money for a new site, then we could find ourselves in the exact same predicament we are in now.

But, if we use the money he may get from the first site redo, and cut our losses here, in search of a bigger town with better job prospects, we could come out ahead. Then again, moving (especially out of state) is expensive. Not to mention the cost of rent and security deposits, that we'll have to pay when we settle on a new home. This option is quite risky. However, if I've learned anything in life it's that risk is necessary to survive. Then again, I have to wonder if this is just our way of running away from our problems. Neither one of us is particularly happy in this tiny town. While my job is going really well, it still isn't enough to support us until Tim can find something. We've known people who have been without a job for 12 months or more already. The job market across the nation sucks and it's super hard in a small town like this one. Especially with new people moving in every. single. day.

Oh, and lets not forget my job. It's going really well. Except for the 55 mile trip I have to make every day to the new store. I'm being promoted to a management position, in hopes of having my own store in the next two or so years. Things couldn't be better in that category. The long trek to work every day is actually a beautiful one. I drive down A1A for most of it. And for those who don't know, A1A follows the entire eastern coast, right along the ocean. So the views are spectacular. It's calming and peaceful and serene. A great way to start and end any day. But, when you take in to consideration the cost of gas ($3.62/gallon) and the fact that I drive a huge SUV, the trip loses a bit of it's charm.

Not to mention, that a move, in this stage of the game, could completely undo everything I've worked so hard for, over the past year. I'm not sure how job transfers work with this company. I have the skills, which should transfer no matter where I go. However, the idea of working from the bottom, again, when I'm so close right now, is a little overwhelming. But, like I said before, at the end of the day, my job alone just isn't cutting it. We need more.

Okay, so I started this post in the hopes of getting my ideas in order. Getting them all out there, in an easy to read format, in the hopes of making the decision process easier. Looking back over things now, I'm still where I was when I started. Totally clueless.

I have no idea where we'll be in the months to follow. If we'll find a way to make it work here, or if we'll be off on a new adventure.

Hell, we may even end up traveling across the country and starting all over with Tim's mom in tow. But that's a completely different story for another time. . . .

For now, all I know is that no matter where we end up, we'll be doing what we think is best for this little family of ours. And in the end, things will work out.

california? ohio? japan? southern florida? or stay here?

2008-04-14T19:36:00.001-05:00

So many options. So many possibilities. Yet, everything is so up in the air. Where we'll end up no one knows.

I only wish I had some small clue.

the road; it has many twists and turns. . . .

2008-04-07T19:31:00.004-05:00

. . Not to mention many different directions on which to travel.

My life lately can be summed up in one word . . . confusing.

2008 has not been disappointing in the least. What I thought would happen at the beginning of this year, is far from what is currently going on in my life.

For one, the move to Ohio is on a hiatus. I'm not quite sure when I will pick up that dream again. Maybe a year, maybe five, maybe never. Although I doubt the last one. Ohio is in my blood. I never bought in to the whole "hometown" thing. I thought it was stupid. My biggest dream growing up was to move away from my small town, to see all there was to see, and turn my life in to a grand adventure. Eight years and two children later though and I know what I left behind. The family I left behind. The friends who were closer than a phone call away. I still hope to wind up there, eventually.

Life just isn't calling me there, yet.

Then there is the home front. It's no secret that things between Tim and I have been rather stressed at the moment. In fact, just a few days ago I posted something to that effect. Since then, I have pulled that post. For those of you who saw it, you know what I'm talking about. For those who haven’t, just know that things were pretty bad. He's stressed about being out of work, I'm stressed about him being out of work and we just weren't communicating the way we should have been. All I can say is that we are working on things. I can't say how I think things will turn out because if I've learned anything this past year it's this: you can never predict anything. Even the things you think will never change have a way of making you take notice. All I know is that I love him, and despite anything, he is my future. We can work through anything, I'm sure of that. It's just a matter of keeping our priorities straight and not letting the stress of this crazy life interfere too much.

On the job front, things are moving at a remarkable pace. At the beginning of the year I talked about becoming a Pharmacy Tech. Since then, I've rethought my future and have decided that the pharmacy is not where I'm headed. Instead, I've started training to become a shift supervisor, and hopefully move on from there to manage my own store. Well, I got news today that I am going to be offered a shift supervisor position at a store about twenty minutes north of here. There are a lot of things that have to happen in order for me to accept this promotion but in the end I think it's where I'll be.

Things are happening fast. Unfortunately, they're also changing on a day-by-day basis.

All things said I really hope things begin to settle down soon.

The stress of it all is killing me!

time time where have you gone?

2008-03-29T17:44:00.002-05:00

Seems like I've been working non-stop for the past three (or so) weeks. Leaving absolutely no time to blog. Hell, most nights I barely have time to read to my children, eat dinner, do a minimal amount of house work, and get things ready for the next day before I'm ready for bed. Hell, who am I kidding, I'm usually "ready" for bed before I even walk through the door every evening. Work is taking everything I've got.

So, in an effort to "catch up" on things I'm going to make a nice bulleted list of my life, the condensed version. It doesn't really take the place of an actual blog post of these events, but it will have to do.

Easter at the in-laws went as well as could be expected. Looking back, I can honestly say that the most relaxing part of the day was the six hours I spent at work that morning. It's weird being in a house, with two grown adults who can't stand each other, yet try to get along for the kids' sake, for an entire day. They refuse to talk to one another, so needless to say, much of the day was spent with us visiting with each one individually, in their separate ~~corners~~ rooms. Luckily, the kids were too busy with their goodies from the Big Hoppin' Bunny to notice.
Speaking of work, things there couldn't be better. I'm not sure if I mentioned this here or not, but I gave up on the whole Pharmacy Tech thing for the time being. It's a long, complicated story, but the short version is that the main Pharmacist in our store is a gigantic ass, and working with him made me dread work all together, which is not something I wanted to deal with. Instead, after talking with my store manager, I've decided to go into store management. I have to start as a shift manager and work my way up but my manager doesn't see why I couldn't have my own store within a year or so. In the long run, I think this is a better path for me to take anyway. Often times when people go in to the pharmacy with hopes of getting into management, they end up getting stuck sorting pills instead of moving up. Not something I want to happen to me.
While things on my job front are moving in the right direction, Tim seems to be at a standstill. It's a very scary time in our lives on that front right now. He's applied at every place he can think of, and has only gone on three interviews. The good news is that the one he went on Friday looks very promising so we're hoping, beyond all reasonable hope, that it's the break we so desperately need, if not.
The kids are still doing great in school although lately, I think they've begun to pick up on the stress around here. They're starting to slip with their school work and Bumpo quit doing any work at all last week. All of this is totally unacceptable in our books. We just need to watch what we say around here and beyond all else, keep them on the kind of schedule they thrive at.
Bumpo has a school performance coming up in a little over a week and I really cannot wait for it. He's been practicing the songs around the house for weeks now. I know them so well I could probably sing along with them. But, I wouldn't want to embarrass the little bugger.

Okay, I think that's about everything on my end of things. Now that it's all written out, it really doesn't seem like that much. Surely not enough to keep me away from the blog this long.

I guess it really is amazing how much stress really factors in to your life.

works for me wednesday: laptop lunches

2008-03-26T16:53:00.002-05:00

If you've ever packed a lunch for your child you will know that there really aren't many options out there. Short of a handful of sandwich options, some form of chips/crackers, and fruit/veggies in some shape or another that about covers it. Finding something healthy, unprocessed, and appetizing, that can stand up to a child's overly critical pallet can prove to be a bit of a challenge.

Not to mention how much pollution a single packed lunch can produce. Especially, if you are like us, and pack them every single day, for each child in the house.

Think about it. . . .

1 plastic baggie for a sandwich.

1-2 more plastic baggies for the sides.

1 disposable drink box.

Plastic utensils to eat with.

And, in our case, a paper bag to contain it all.

Multiply that times two (the number of children in our household)

And then multiply that by about 180 (on average, the number of days your child will attend school in any given year).

Now, I'm no math genius but I know the end result is a large one.

That's a lot of unrecycleable plastic filling our landfills and a lot of cash out of pocket to put it there.

Ever since my oldest was in Kindergarten I've been looking for a better option.

A lunch box that is stylish, reusable, and good for the environment. Not to mention versatile, allowing me to pack more than just a sandwich day in and day out.

This tiny company covers it all.

They have the best lunch box system I've ever come across. Don't let the initial price get you down (although they do offer a discount when you buy more than one). Once you take in to consideration the cost of all those little ziploc baggies, this lunch box is by far the cheaper way to go.

Not to mention that it comes with the cutest little book full of creative lunch ideas for any picky eater.

And, if that's not enough, I also stumbled across an awesome blog FULL of healthy (albeit, vegan,) lunch ideas especially designed for this lunch kit.

Although she doesn't do it anymore, this mom spent an entire school year packing new things each day for her son to take to school. then she'd do a review on her blog of that day's menu, depending on how much food was left in her son's lunch box when he returned home for the day. Start from the beginning, and search through her archives, I promise you'll find a ton of ideas.

All in all I can't say enough about this lunch box. It's awesome. It's great for the environment. Fun for the kids. And allows me to feel better about what I give my child for lunch on any given day.

Not to mention cheaper in the long run than the traditional plastic baggie method.

And that works for me.

For more Works for me Wednesday head on over to Rocks in my Dryer.

easter eve

2008-03-22T20:28:00.002-05:00

So tomorrow will mark a first for me.

Tomorrow will be the very first holiday, since I've had children, that I will not be here to see them wake up. They will be home, snug in their beds, while I get up, at the crack of dawn, and drag my sorry butt off to work.

The good news is that I'll be home in time to participate in all the festivities. A little exhausted, but there. I won't miss the egg hunt, or the basket hunt, or the yummy brunch that I don't have to cook this year.

Basically, I get to be there for all the fun and none of the work.

And, I get paid double time for my efforts on the job.

In other words, one good thing about Tim being out of a job is that I get to take over that roll tomorrow. He'll be the one running around like a mad person trying to get everything done, without little eyes watching his every move. He'll get to help his mom with her crazy list of "jobs" while she sits in her chair too "tired" to do anything more. He'll get to see just why I'm so darn exhausted at the end of any holiday. He gets to do all the work while I sit on my butt and watch.

Yeah, this is shaping up to be a great Easter indeed.

Forget the Easter Bunny, I get to play my husband this year.

and the party continues. . .

2008-03-17T22:47:00.003-05:00

You know the saying "wait a day and everything will be different." or something to that effect? Well, I'm not buying it. Here we are five days after my last post, on St. Patrick's Day, of all days, and life still sucks.

Tim is no where closer to finding a job. The expenses keep pouring in. The car still needs gas. The kids still need food. Yet the income has seriously seen better days.

Tim and I are at each other's throats constantly. He swears he's looking for a job and I really want to believe him, and I do. However, me being on the other side of things, only sees what else he could be doing. How he should be following up on the contacts he's made. How he should be up at the crack of dawn ready to parooze the want ads, and the streets in search of that one job that's out there, waiting on him. In my eyes, finding a job for someone so talented should be easy. Because Tim is talented. Very talented. He just lacks confidence in himself. Then again, if he was as confident as I think he should be, he'd be quite impossible to live with. But seriously, where are all the freakin' jobs??

Tim does have two interviews lined up for tomorrow, and another one for Wednesday, but nothing promising. Nothing he's really interested in either. Jobs that will "do" until something better comes along. Something that will allow him to provide for his family the way he thinks he needs to. But, nothing that will make him happy. Make him excited to get up for work every morning. And that's what he deserves. That's what I want for him. The biggest fear I have in this life is having him wake up one day and decide that he's given up too much to make his family happy, to resent us.

Like I don't have enough to worry about right now. I have to go and create more "what if's" in my head. Lovely.

Okay enough with this damned pity party, because it really is pathetic. Plus, it's not accomplishing anything.

So, I'll end on something positive, Aunt Flo did come to visit after her very long vacation.

Now I'm left wondering what exactly I missed about her in the first place. . .

The cramps? The headaches? How about the endless bloodbath?

Or is it the hope that comes along with all the agony?

Yes, that's it. Hope. Hope in everything.

It's the only thing keeping me going at this point.

late night dumping

2008-03-12T04:29:00.002-05:00

It's late. The tiny snores from the bedroom behind me let me know that my kids are tucked safely in their beds, resting peacefully. It's a beautiful sound. The larger snore coming from down the hall, while not as beautiful, lets me know that my husband, king of the "worrying never solved anything" mantra is asleep, despite the current events in our life that have left me awake.

Instead of sleep, I find myself in a late-night pity party. Instead of being tucked in to my nice warm bed with my space heater of a husband beside me, I sit, freezing on the sofa, too lazy to turn off the overhead fan that spins above.

My mind wanders to everything that is wrong in my life right now.

I haven't had a period in over three months. Which, sadly, does not mean pregnancy but instead, my infertility issues are still a huge elephant in the room. Not getting any better, but not worse either. In some ways, I'm okay with the current state of things in this department. Only at times like these do I even let it bother me. Most of the time, it's just a fact of my current life. Not able to have (any more) kids - check.

The hives are at an all time high. My hands are swollen and in pain with hives affecting every joint possible. Making it very hard to type, cook, and just about anything else one would use their hands for. I'm sick of these damn things. I'm sick of downing bottle after bottle of chlorotabs only to realize they are loosing their effect. Meaning my only other option is benedryl, a drug that knocks me on my ass with every dose. A dose that has to be doubled to even help at all. From head to toe, I am one giant hive. No relief is in sight. No reason for their appearance. No cure. And worst of all, not a single inch closer to this entire thing being over with.

Now for the real kicker . . . .

Tim lost his job earlier last week. It's a long drawn out story that is too much of a headache to share. Suffice it to say, he tried to do the right thing for himself and his family, but in the end, was fired because of it. While a horrible person continues to work there instead. We've had phone call after phone call from other management who were sad to see him go. Tim can't go anywhere without his crew stopping him to let him know that he was their favorite manager. He is greatly missed.

I try to stay positive. Tim had grown to hate that job anyway. Mainly because of his current situation with the management team, and all the unfairness that always comes with working with too many family members, none of which are your own. He was already looking for a new job. This will just give him the boost he needs to really find something he's happy with.

Then reality sets in. We live in a small town. Jobs are limited. Especially in today's world. He's put in application after application. Sent off about a hundred resumes. And no one has called. Every day I frantically check the phone, in hopes of an interested employer, only to get greatly discouraged when nothing is looking back at me. And this is how I'm feeling. I can only imagine that it's about a million times worse for my dear husband.

Money is super tight right now. We are living on my paycheck alone. A paycheck, that before went to the fluff of the household. Money we should have been saving. But, instead frivolously spent, leaving our savings accounts in a non-existent form and my stress level through the roof. Luckily, we did do the smart thing and use his last paycheck to pay rent up through the end of next month. So at least we'll have a roof over our heads.

The worst part about all of this is that I'm taking my stress out on my husband. A man who, is the definition of Southern in so many ways. He takes everything one day at a time. Believes worrying about things never gets you anywhere. Is able to actually NOT worry. Finds sleep easily, while I struggle to shut off my brain. Believes that things really will work themselves out. Approaches life in a whole other direction than I do. I go after things. I make things happen. Tim, on the other hand, waits for things to happen. He waits for the calls to come in. The job offers to start. He is a talented man. A man who is always well received in any workplace. His resume speaks volumes about his experiences and skills. He is confident that he will find a job. In his mind, it's about the search. About finding that one place that wants him. Who is willing to call him. Interested in what he has to say. Interested in paying him what he wants to be paid.

In my mind, he needs to call them. Needs to be persistent. Push the envelope, if you will. In my mind he isn't doing enough. And I've told him that. I've accused him of not wanting to find a new job. Of enjoying his vacation time here at home, while I put in extra hours at my job, trying to make the most of my paycheck. Deep down, I know it isn't true. It's just a matter of how we approach these kinds of situations. From completely different angles. We are different. None better than the other. And my nagging and harassment isn't going to help anything. I need to learn that. Understand that. Step aside and assist him instead of making his life more hellatious.

Unfortunately, stepping aside and backing down are things I don't do very well. Not for lack of trying, just lack of any reasonable skill in those departments.

pharmacy, maybe not

2008-03-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

It’s a surprisingly rowdy Monday evening, and the store is packed. The sound of motorcycles roaring by completely drown out the over played soundtrack blaring from the speakers. It’s a nice break.

Thanks to the annual Bike Week in Daytona, Pharmacy is swamped. From druggies with their forged scripts for Hydrocodone, to the old, tattered bikers who drive down for one last hurrah, things are hectic. Unfortunately, for them, as well as the crew we have Mike tonight as our Pharmacist.

Mike is a man who, by all means, is highly educated, very intelligent, yet he feels the need to carry on in a way my own children learned was inappropriate by the age of two.

He kicks things, he screams, he curses, he tells customers how stupid he thinks they are, and yet his job is secure. He gets to carry on in a way that some of us have dreamed of, only to know how inappropriate it really is. Scary even. The only difference is, at the end of the day, he can go home without worrying if his job will be waiting for him in the morning. He can call a customer an asshole today, steal a hundred dollars on his way out the door, and show up for work tomorrow as if nothing ever happened. Why, because Pharmacists are in short supply. They are treated like gold in my business. And this man knows this.

He’s a condescending, rage-o-holic. And he’s also my new boss. In the two weeks that I’ve been back there, the only thing I can say for my experience is that I feel sorry for his wife.

No longer to I love my job. No longer do I wake up ready to go to work. Instead I dread it. Hate it, even.

This is not good. Not good indeed.

Maybe pharmacy isn’t for me.

No, more to the point, this Pharmacist isn’t for me. He makes work hell.

Time to ask Bob, my store manager, about management opportunities instead.

Get back to doing something I enjoy before I feel the need, like so many techs before me, head out into the big world, in search of a new job.

so sick

2008-02-29T20:54:00.002-05:00

Well, it finally caught up to me.

After a week of taking care of the little sicklings, they've managed to pass their bugs on to me.

So, here I sit, with my head in a terrible fog, trying to think of what in the world I need to do next.

I have a stuffy nose. Hives are irritating my already irritated throat. I wheeze when I breathe because of it. My body aches. My head pounds. My stomach promises to reject any amount of food or liquid that I try to force upon it. Keeping my airways open has become my number one goal for the evening, instead of getting this house unpacked, which was my original goal.

This sucks.

Now, for the best part, I'm a single parent for the rest of the night.

Don't you feel sorry for me, yet?

Have I whined enough?

Just another reason I love the 'hood. . . .

. . . Parenthood that is.

birthday cake and the flu

2008-02-27T19:07:00.002-05:00

I think that about sums up the week around here thus far.

Bumpo had his birthday party this past weekend which was a huge success. Presents and kindergarteners abound.

However, he did walk away with one present we weren't prepared for. The flu. And a bad one too. We're going on day four of the sucker with no relief in sight. He's miserable with a high fever, congested chest, and a sore throat. And to make matters worse, I haven't had a decent night's sleep in just as long. With staying up constantly worring about his breathing, or admistering yet another treatment from our good friend Mr. Nebulizer, exhausted is an understatement.

Oh, and did I mention the best part?!! I think I've gained about five-hundred pounds. Because, guess what, the only friend a girl can find at four o'clock in the morning, when the rest of her family is sound asleep in their beds, is the yummy leftover birthday cake that is (supposed to be) hidden in the fridge.

Damn cake.

taboo? probably. benificial? most definately.

2008-02-24T11:30:00.002-05:00

So, I've been batting around a crazy little idea for the past couple of days. Hence, my lack of existence here.

Some, including the dear husband, think it's a crazy, insane idea. Me, I'm not so sure what I think anymore.

I mentioned my dilemma in my last post. You know the one about that awful B word, about having money one day and turning around the next and finding it all gone, without an explanation for where it went. Yeah, that one.

Well, I've created a budget. I've logged my spending habits for the last week and weeded out all I can get rid of without thinking twice about it. I can already tell that it will make a huge difference.

Now for the part I'm struggling with. Posting that information, salary and all, here on the interweb for all to see.

Okay, before you think I'm a total whack-job let me explain.

I like feedback. More than just the husband telling me I've done a good job. I want more perspectives than just ours. I like that. I need that at this point in the game. More ways to trim the fat. To save more money. Ideas. They are good.

Also, I personally think that what a person makes is just that, a number. It doesn't define who they are or their rank of importantness (yeah, I know, totally not a word). Most people (women especially) are so secretive over this information. And really, what's the point? It's just a number. I have friends who make way more than I do and friends who make way less. And, believe it or not, I find I can learn the most from my friends that make way less. They budget, they prioritize. They make their pennies matter instead of leaving them on the sidewalk when they fall out of their pockets.

What Tim and I make is at the middle of the road. Not too much, but not scraping by either. We are comfortable middle class. And there is NO reason what-so-ever for us to have these financial burdens we have forced on ourselves. I work with nineteen-year-olds who do a better job with their money than I do. It's insane.

The worst part is I know all of this, have all the information I need to
make a better choice, yet, when I get my grubby little paws on that paycheck at the end of the week, I'm first in line at Target, or Pier 1, or wherever else, to stock up on unnecessary crap that I really,truly don't need. Letting the necessitates, such as groceries, or the electric bill, fall by the way-side. I won't even tell you when the last time I entered a grocery store was. Scary, that's all I'm saying.

I'm thinking that if I go through the hassle, and embarrassment, of posting my budget online for all to see, it will make me more accountable for my actions. It will give me more to think about when I see that awesome tripod lamp at Target again.

"Hmm, do I really want to buy this thing, and then have to explain my actions to the entire Internet? Yes, I know it would look incredibly cute in my new office. But, on the other hand, it's not going anywhere. So, doesn't that mean it can wait a few more weeks, after I've had time to save the right way for this purchase?"

Now, I know there are a million reasons why I shouldn't post my salary online. The critical remarks I know I'll get. Everyone knowing a little too much about my life. My ex-husband, who checks in periodically, knowing how much we make. You know, stuff like that.

Yet, my overwhelming urge is to throw caution to the wind and post the damn thing. In the end I think the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Now is the time for all you lurkers out there to tell me your opinions on this crazy idea.

Should I or shouldn't I? That is the question.

ch. . . ch. . . ch. . . changes

2008-02-16T00:56:00.003-05:00

Change is inevitable.

I accepted that fact a long, long time ago. The part I wasn't prepared for is knowing that life, in and of itself, is in a constant form of change. From the kids growing older, to the weather. You can't escape it. The only thing left to do is embrace it. Expect it.

Personally, I like change. Without it, how do you fix the bad things in life? How do you grow? How do you accomplish your dreams, your goals?

Currently my life is at a crossroads. So much is going on right now. So very much. The kids are growing. And, along with the larger clothes that scatter the floor, is a larger want list. Gone are the lists of lego sets and action heros, replaced with the newest iPod and gaming systems. Gone are the crayon and glue school lists, replaced with needs such as computers and their own private work stations.

Unfortunately, Tim and I have not changed our spending habits. Despite many resolutions and budget after budget scratched out on scrap paper, nothing ever stuck. We still eat out with unbelievable frequency, and still spend every last dime that enters our electronically driven hands.

We have the big screen tv's, the apple computers, the iPods, the nice furniture, the Playstation 3, the Wii, the high efficiency washer and dryer, the big gas guzzling SUV, and many other material possessions that make our lives easier (or at least more glamorous). What we lack is financial security. The extra cushion that comes with having some money in savings. Knowing that if the car breaks down tomorrow we'll be able to fix it, without having to worry about where the rent money will come from. Enough money socked away to fund any unexpected expenses that come our way. To plan, the right way, for a family vacation, without having it completely deplete our bank accounts, leaving us scrapping by for months to follow.

We make enough. I've seen it, on paper. I know how much we SHOULD have left over at the end of the month. I know how good it feels to pay our bills on time. To look at that magic number in our savings account and know that we'll be okay. It's a great feeling. A high even. Yet, my will-power is seriously lacking.

Especially when Pier 1 is having a furniture sale. Or say, they build an Ikea a mere two hours away from my home. Or, the apple store announces a new and improved iPod, or computer, or anything else apple-like. Then we crumble. We want and we get. We don't plan. We don't save. We immediately take our hard earned paychecks and run out and get whatever it is our hearts are currently lusting after.

The bills still get paid, sometimes late, but it happens. The boys still have food in their stomaches, and a comfy roof over their heads. They still have nice clothes on their backs, and enough toys to make the neighbors jealous. Yet, they don't have a college fund. They don't have their own backyard to play in. They don't have their own driveway to ride a bike in.

Eventually, I would like to own a house (in Ohio, of course). I would like to have some money in my savings account. To be financially comfortable. I know how to accomplish these goals. We make enough money for it to happen. What I don't know how to do is stop the unnecessary spending.

I know I don't really need that new end table I saw today, the one I have now works just as well. And, no, it doesn't matter that it was 50% off. Yet, convincing that little voice in my head, that creative voice that has finally, after a very long absence, made herself known again, to shut the hell up is another story. She likes nice things. She likes making a house a home. Even when the current "home" is just as good. Just as nice. Just not as new.

That is what I am currently working on. Saving money has become my new project. I'm always looking for something to do and right now, I can't think of anything more beneficial to my family than that. Sure, my children would love it if I re-did their entire room. And, yes, those beautiful but expensive quilts I saw the other day at Bed, Bath, and Beyond would look amazing with their bunk beds, not to mention totally complete the look I am going for. But so will the much cheaper, just as nice, quilts at JC Penney. They don't have the same impact but the quality is just as good. And, frankly, the kids couldn't give two horses asses what they sleep under. As long as it's clean and soft, they're happy.

And their happiness is what I'm after, what we're both after, Tim and I together. Not just short-term, but long-term. Because, in the end, the choices we make for these kids long-term are the ones that matter the most. The ones that will make the most impact upon their lives.

The house that will always be their home, whether they're sixteen or thirty-six, they can still count on that place, to welcome them when they need it the most. The college fund that will shape their future, should they choose to attend. Knowing that their parents are financially stable. Teaching them the right way to live. The right way to acquire things they want. They've sure seen the reasons to never live paycheck to paycheck. Now it's time to teach them the benefits of living the right way, to budgeting your money and being better off because of it.

I never thought I'd say budget and benefit in the same sentence. But in all honesty, we have nothing else to loose. The way we're living now clearly isn't working.

This may be the hardest change I ever go through. The one I fight with all my might.

But in the end, when I'm sitting debt-free, watching my children play in their own backyard, I know it will be the one with the biggest pay-out.

back in business

2008-02-11T08:42:00.001-05:00

. . . . Just in time to shut everything down again and move.

The good news is that setting everything back up again will be a breeze. And, even better, we are NOT moving in with Tim's mother. After many long talks, Tim and I decided that we aren't quite ready to make the big move to Ohio. The timing just isn't right. Between the "fragile" state his mom is in, the horrible state of our finances, my upcoming job promotion, and Tim's busy work schedule, we just don't have it in us to move there yet.

So, we're giving ourselves a year. A year to get everything in order. Get job transfers in for me, find a new one for Tim, save money, and purge as much crap as we can before-hand.

For now, we are moving into a bigger place. A place where we actually fit. A place, that although bigger, and newer, is significantly cheaper. And, best of all, it's right down the road, which means the kids stay in the same school district, and the move is cheap.

Now, for the hard part. Containing all of our belongings in a pre-determined amount of boxes. I hate this part. Packing overwhelms me. Especially when it comes to the small stuff.

Currently, all of our furniture, minus beds, is over at the new place. Leaving all the miscellaneous crap to figure out what to do with.

The only good news is, doing it this way really helps you see what you have, and how much of it you really do NOT need.

And on that note, I guess I should end this rather boring update, and get back to things around here.

I'll be back soon with a birthday post (Bumpo is officially six years old now), and more news about the going ons around here.

it's been awhile . . . .

2008-01-25T16:50:00.000-05:00

. . . . yeah, I know.

And, honestly, I have no excuse.

Except that trying to blog with no internet access at home proves to be a bit more challenging than one would think.

Meaning, I have to pack up the kids and the laptop, take a quick drive to the local Krystal, hijack the wi-fi from the car for a grand total of five minutes, before the kids start demanding fries from within.

So, basically, I have about five minutes a few times a week to get online. It's either that or spend about $15 a few times a week buying fries and soda to appease the darn children, and that, my friend, adds up.

Oh, and just in case you're wondering why excactly it is that we no longer have internet access at home, well I can explain.

Comcast, dear comcast. My arch nemisis. The company who has insisted, since they took over, to charge us twice for basic cable. $50 a month, twice. We've been paying $100 for BASIC cable, and they don't see a problem with this. We pay our apartment complex $50 for cable, which is part of our lease agreement, and then we pay Comcast directly another $50 for basic. On top of what we spend for DVR boxes, and internet. It's insaine. Yet, trying to get anybody to understand or listen to what we're saying is a pain in and of itself. Comcast doesn't have a local office. They pay a third party company to do their billing and customer service for them. So, when you go in to them and ask them for an itemized bill, they look at you like you grew antlers right in front of them. And, when you tell them how unhappy you are with the service, they pull out the "I'm just a third party company" card.

It's kinda like calling your doctor's office, and only after you spend ten minutes telling them your latest symptoms and problems, they tell you "sorry, this is only their answering service. You'll have to call this number if you want any real help." And then you call that number, get disconnected a billion times, wait on hold for another twelve hours, and only then do you finally get someone. And still, the problem isn't solved. No where close.

So, we disconnected our service. We're moving soon, and once we move, out of our current apartment complex, we'll get service elsewhere, with another company.

So for now, I'm stuck, with my fifteen minutes a week.

The good news is, things are great. Everyone is healthy and for the most part, happy.

Except for the whole watching live cable thing. That part sucks. Commercials suck.

I miss my fast-foreward button.

And I miss all of you.

a bit of the block

2008-01-13T17:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been around much lately.

Between work, dealing with my mother-in-law, the beginning of the year/after Christmas finances, my dear children and their return to school ~~blood-sucking, we're talking straight for the jugular~~ ever-growing list of necessities, and the whole "We're really moving in a few months" thing, I've been seriously pressed for time.

Not to mention there isn't much to say - - except what I just said.

Not to fear though, I'm still around.

And, I have no intention on giving up this here hobby. It works well for me. I can drop it in a second, and then pick it up just as easily.

Plus, where else can I go, say what I want to say, insult whoever the hell I want to insult, and cuss as much as a sailor?

This blogland thing is what I call perfect.

answer: bunking with the mother-in-law, and taking up permanant residency in Florida.

2008-01-06T16:08:00.000-05:00

The question: Things I did not expect to happen in 2008.

This was supposed to be the year I finally got what I wanted. Where we finally moved back to Ohio, the place I call home. Where my oldest son travels in his dreams. Where you can build snowmen in March, and swim in a non-heated facility for about a week a year. Where the only tourists we see are the ones who visit Cedar Point during the short, yet sweet, three month summer.

We were supposed to finally make some decisions about our future. To take up permanent residency somewhere. To buy a house. To make a home. To become financially secure. To be closer to my family, my massive life-line. A lifeline I didn't realize was so important to me until I was a thousand miles away. A group of people who wouldn't think twice about being there for one another. Giving my boys the family they so desperately crave. Without strings. Without
complications. Without all the damn drama that seems to follow Tim's mother (his only family) around. Those were my resolutions for the year.

Yet, here we are, not even a week into 2008 and things are at a crossroads.

Tim's mom's life is in shambles. She loves a man who lives in California, is
married, and (to be quite honest) is quite questionable, in my opinion.
Meanwhile, she is living with, and married to, a man who, in her
opinion, may have early onset Alzheimer's.

She wants out. She doesn't want to spend the rest of her life taking care of this man, a man she says she hates, who will probably never get better. Before a
diagnosis is made. Before the guilt sets in. Before she feels obligated to stay.

She has no job. No way to support herself (she hasn't worked in almost twenty years). A house full of stuff she isn't willing to part with, a dog, and a car - complete with car payments. All of which will become our responsibility in the near future.

Tim is her only son. Her only family member that hasn't walked out on her. He
is her everything. And, regardless of anything else, she is pretty darn important to him as well.

Despite how I feel about her actions. About how she is willing to leave a man who has been there for her for the past 15+ years, taking care of her during her illnesses,
supporting her 100% of the time, without asking for anything in return. She is crying out for help. And so help me, I can't turn my back on family. I can't let her suffer. Personal feelings on the entire matter aside, the lines have been drawn, and as Debby's biological son, Tim, didn't get a say in the matter, as most children often don't in the case of a divorce.

So, plans for the year have begun to change. We probably won't make the move to Ohio, but instead move in with her, taking over all her bills and pushing Steve out. He will more than likely (depending on how the doctor visits go this week) begin treatment for his brain disorders and we will be stuck, in the middle, in Florida, and far away from any place I want to be. Walking that fine line between being supportive of Debby, yet there for Steve, the real victim, in our opinions.

She plans on leaving him with nothing. No new car. No house. No dog. He will move away, without a scrap of furniture to an apartment, by himself. The only thing he'll have going for him is his job, which he has grown to hate. That, and us. We'll be
there, offering our support at any bump in the road. Hopefully that's enough.

What a swell beginning this year is shaping out to be. Hopefully things will settle soon and fall into place, wherever that may be.

a very belated merry christmas post

2007-12-29T19:20:00.001-05:00

So sorry, yet again, for being away. The holiday season totally jumped out of my hands, which tends to happen when you leave everything for the last minute. Leaving me to work, shop, take care of the kids, and sleep. That pretty much sums up how I spent the last few weeks. But more about my Christmas later.

How was your holiday? Hope it was fun and full of family and everything that makes the day special for you, and yours.

Here, we spent Christmas Eve at home, with the in-laws over for some yummy homemade potato chowder, bread, and salad. I'm thinking about making that our newest tradition. It was so less stressful than the normal appatizer feast I usually prepare, and the leftovers were so much tastier. After dinner, the kids helped make some of my infamous Chocolate Chip Cookies, from scratch, to leave out for Santa. While we were busy in the kitchen, Blue Foot stopped by with the Christmas Eve pj presents for the boys. opened their pj gifts from Blue Foot, then it was showers and bed for them. Tim and I spent the rest of the evening preparing for the big event and just enjoying our time together with some festive movies and lots of yummy hot chocolate and good talks.

The next day, the in-laws came over bright and early to watch the kids open their stash from The Man in Red. After the spoiling fest was over, they headed home and we spent a few hours alone as a family, playing a few good rounds of Guitar Hero (which, by the way, is my favorite Christmas present, even though it was NOT my own, but actually Bob's.) Then headed off for the in-laws house for Christmas part deux.

The time at the in-laws, was, for once, enjoyable. The kids had a great time, and for the first year in ages, I didn't have the stress of having to go home and cook afterwards since my mother-in-law offered to do that for us.

The only part that sucked, came at the end of the evening. When we were all sitting around after dinner, enjoying some nice conversation. In the span of five minutes I went from being able to talk normallly, to not at all. My throat had completely closed off, leaving me completely unable to breathe through my mouth. Luckily, my uvula was the thing that was swollen, meaning I was still able to breathe through my nose decently.

So, it was off to the emergency room for us, where we spent the rest of Christmas evening. I don't remember much of the whole event, except waking up the next day and realizing that spending the night in the ER is a surefire way to ruin any Christmas spirit I may have had.

I didn't get to enjoy my traditional alone time with Tim, staring up at the tree and the empty treeskirt beneith. Hot chocolate in hand, and a nice non-Christmas new release on the screen.

I missed that this year. More than I thought I could.

But, all in all, this was a season to remember.

things are good, just crazy.

2007-12-12T16:27:00.001-05:00

I'm still around, however briefly it may be.

Things at work are just a bit hectic right now. From subbing in the Pharmacy until a replacement for Scott is found, to training a half brain-dead idiot in photo, I haven't had a chance to eat, let alone breathe for the past week.

The good news about that is that I am definitely going to make over time this week, which means a nice fat check just in time for Christmas. week before. The bad news is that. . . . Well, you know, it's work and any time spent there is time I'm not spending with my family, which sucks.

So that's where things in my world stand right now.

I still haven't managed to do a lick of Christmas shopping. Hopefully I can remedy that on Friday, but with the way things are going, it may have to wait until Sunday. Heck, who am I kidding, with the way things are going, I'll be lucky if I don't have to postpone Christmas until the weekend after.

Well, I'm outta here. I have to run to the store to pick up one last thing for dinner, and about a million other little things that just don't seem to get done without me.

in the home stretch.

2007-12-06T20:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, so as of today, we have twenty days left until Christmas. . . . .

. . . . Sorry, back now after a minor meltdown.

Anyway, twenty days.

And, guess what I have done?!! ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING.

Not a single present bought. Not a single stocking stuffer even thought of. Hell, I don't even have stockings yet. Not a single meal planned out. Not a single cookie dough resting comfortably in my freezer. NOTHING!

I'm beginning to freak out just a tad.

Unfortunately, I work tomorrow, but then I'm off all weekend long which should be plenty of time to get some stuff done around here.

First things on the list:

1. Review the menu I prepared back in October for Christmas day. See if it still fits.
2. Come up with something to feed this family on Christmas Eve.
3. Find some damn stockings.
4. Locate and purchase some decorations for this house of mine. Still quite dreary - post fire.
5. Look up some new cookie recipes.
6. Veganize them.
7. Make and freeze them for easy cookies on Christmas Eve.
8. Get and mail some darn Christmas cards.
9. Do some much needed shopping.

So, I think that's enough to get done in two days. Which only leaves everything else. Like shopping for the children. And, wrapping the loot. And, one last major cleaning of this house. And . . . . well, a lot.

We'll see how much I'm able to accomplish this weekend, especially with the kids underfoot.

So, if I'm not around. Fear not. I'm lost in this winter wonderland, so much as it is, here in Florida and all.

and life goes on

2007-12-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

So, work today was bad.

We weren't crazy busy. Rude customers were at a minimum. Bosses were nice and understanding. Equipment was up and running the way it should.

Today was bad for a completely different reason.

Today, we lost a member of our team. An employee we thought we knew. Someone that was well liked. Someone who made our workplace just a little bit warmer with his dry sense of humor.

To most of us who worked with him, he was the gay pharmacy tech who rode his bike to work. He was pleasant but quiet. The one who ventured out of the pharmacy and actually talked to us "regular" folks. The one in charge of picking up the trash magazines when things in the back got slow. The only one back there who actually helped with the truck on Thursdays - without being asked. The one who worked at the pharmacy during the day, and waiting tables at night.

In reality, we didn't know much about him, at least not the important stuff. We didn't know about his family, or his friends. Or if he was happy. Or if he had some deep hidden problem that we were all unaware of. We didn't think to ask, as we often times don't when someone is just a co-worker.

We found out today that yesterday was his birthday. No one bought a card. No well wishes were made. At least none that I heard.

Today he was supposed to be at work first thing in the morning.

He didn't show up.

He was called, and no one answered.

Friends visited, and still no answer.

Hours went by, still nothing.

Friends became worried and demanded access to his apartment.

And, only then, did the unanswered questions finally get answered.

He was found, alone in his apartment, dead. At 29 years old, the day after his birthday.

No one knows what happened. Assumptions have been made. From drug overdose to suicide.

In truth, we may never know what happened to him. To the guy who, looking back, seemed a little too quiet, a little too. . . . alone. The guy I wish I would have gotten to know so much more. The guy who, just yesterday, I wouldn't have given a second thought to after I left work.

Yet, today I can't seem to erase his face from my mind. Or the image of him pedaling his green beach cruiser to and from work.

And, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to stop thinking about how someone, so young, so full of life just yesterday can be gone today. Without warning, without notice. Just. . . . . gone. And yet, life still goes on. As it did yesterday, as it will tomorrow. Work will continue on without him. His position will be replaced. And months from now he'll become a distant memory in most of our minds. We get to continue on in our journey while his ended so abruptly and all too soon.

Somehow, it just seems so unfair.

wfmw: school lunch

2007-12-05T16:09:00.000-05:00

This week is a themed Work For Me Wednesday Week. Here's the gyst. . . . .

It's a busy worknight, kids are screaming for food, and you haven't been grocery shopping in ages.

We've all had nights like that. In this house, because of my pure hatetrid for all things grocery store, it happens more often than it probably should.

Here is one of the recipies I've come up with using ingredients we ALWAYS have on hand.

School Lunch
(now if that title doesn't grab you, I don't know what will)
**Quick notes: This is a vegan dish, but can easily be made non-vegan by removing the crumbles and using 1 lb. of ground beef instead.
Also
I usually double this recipe to feed my family of four, but I live with a bunch of boys.**

1 box of instant potatoes
1 bag of crumbles (or 1 lb. of ground beef, ground turkey, or whatever)
2 packets of gravy mix, made according to directions
1 box of frozen spinach, defrosted and all the water squeezed out

Basically, all you do is make the potatoes according to the directions on the back of the box. Only adding the spinach in with the water and butter, bringing it all to a boil. Then, when you add in the potato flakes it will make the potatoes turn green. The kids love this, we call them monster potatoes. And, it's a great way to get the kids to eat spinach.

Throw crumbles in a skillet with a little oil to keep them from sticking. Cook until they are completley thawed. (with ground meat, cook through, season with a little salt and pepper)

Make gravy as directed (you can also used those jarred gravies if that is easier)

Then, all you do is make a little mountain of potatoes, add the crumbles/ground meat, and throw some gravy on top.

It's actually quite yummy!

Enjoy!

For more great, last minute menu ideas, check out Shannon over at Rocks in my Dryer.

going through withdraw

2007-12-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

Seems as though the dear husband, in an attempt to discourage certain kiddos from any late-night Wii playing, has hidden the television remotes. Now he can't remember where.

And, by golly, I'm here to say he picked a darn good spot.

I've searched this house. I've looked in every possible nook and cranny that my 5'3" self can find. Which leads me to believe that they are, in fact, hidden where only 6'3" people can find them.

Damned this short body of mine.

And, damned the husband who always manages to pick "perfect" hiding places.

And, worse still, damned the darn password protector on the DVR that won't even allow me the honor of channel surfing, the old fashioned way. . . . From the TV itself.

the magic of a christmas tree.

2007-12-02T19:03:00.001-05:00

Today has been hell. From trying to get this house ready, to the boys continuous bickering, to an unexpected financial problem. Stressful is an understatement.

Christmas has been the first and last thing on my mind, if that makes any sense. Because of this new financial burden, funding Christmas has become a bit more. . . . . pressure. . . . I guess, than I was planning on it being. In one foul swoop, this year went from the first year we wouldn't struggle, to a year just like last. It sucks. It sucks not knowing if we'll have enough to cover the expenses, to buy the gifts AND put a decent meal on the table. It sucks that we could possibly disappoint the children with far less under the tree on Christmas Morning.

On the other hand, covering the bills and expenses we have at this very moment has taken center stage. Finding a way to juggle all that is on our plates has proven to be quite a task. In the end, I'm sure things will work out, and part of me does realize I always stress a little too much during the first weeks of December. It's sort of a tradition for me. If we ever have a year when I'm not stressing about some money matter or another, it probably won't even feel like the holiday season to me. Stressing about money is what I do, after all. It's finding a way to offset the stress that is always a challenge for me.

Luckily, tonight I stumbled on the perfect way.

After being online for what seemed like hours, researching solutions to our money dilemma, and working on spreadsheet after spreadsheet to determine, if, in fact, there would be any money left over to buy gifts this year, I finally said enough with it.

Dinner still needed to be made, clothes still needed to be washed for the upcoming week, and I still had this huge green thing looming in front of me, begging for some attention.

In the end, the big green thing won out. I broke from my stressful stupor, turned on some Christmas music, and adorned my dear tree with lights. We have a family date on Tuesday to decorate the rest of the tree. But for tonight, there it sits, a peaceful reminder of the season ahead. Simple, yet cheery. Quiet, yet bright. Loud, yet muted. Empty, yet full.

As I sit in this glowing darkness, the stress from the day has all but vanished. Staring up at my Frasier Fur somehow reassures me that somehow, someway, Christmas will be okay.

bah. . . .

2007-12-01T15:29:00.001-05:00

. . . . . Okay, so I'm not quite at humbug, but I'm getting there.

I am so not in the Christmas spirit. Today is supposed to be the day I clean this place, top to bottom. Make it spotlessly beautiful so that my Christmas decorations become center stage, instead of the mountains of homework, permission slips, discarded mail, dirty dishes, and laundry that scatter our living quarters any other month of the year.

I absolutely love to decorate. I envision this day for months before the actual event. Plot and plan where everything will go, how to run the extension cords, and even sketch out a unique and classy way to display our stockings on the wall behind our sofa.

These festivities may have started the day after Thanksgiving, but today is always the day when everything "comes together".
I usually don't mind the work that goes into making this house beautiful. Frankly, it isn't hard work. Just a little dusting and rearranging and things are pretty much ready to go. However, this year, I find myself resenting the entire process. Why am I always the one that is in charge of making this house "holiday ready"? How is it fair that I do all the cleaning while everyone else sits around, waiting for the fun to begin? And, so help me if one of these dear children ask me one more time when we're leaving, I just might snap.

This year, I think things are going to be a bit different around here. After a morning of running around, cleaning up all that my dear boys messed up, I decided that doing the work alone really isn't fair. The boys are old enough now to help with some chores around the house. I'm not their maid, and I'm really not teaching them anything by doing this stuff for them.

Which is why, as I'm sitting here, they are rushing around like the busy worker bees I was last year to straighten this place up. Let them dust. Let them find a place for all the toys that have managed to find themselves scattered throughout the house. Let them find the joy in making this house a home.

And I'll be here, the graduated worker bee; cup of cocoa in hand, supervising their work, and telling them what to do next.

The Christmas spirit may be returning, after all.

the end. . .

2007-11-30T20:12:00.000-05:00

. . . of a very long month. NaBloPoMo has come to an end. Although I didn't get to post every. single. day. I think I still did a decent job at keeping up with things. Really, the only time I missed was when Comcast screwed everything up. Anyhow, it's been fun. It's been hard. And, mostly, I'm looking forward to going back to posting whenever I feel like it. Which, knowing me, will still be pretty often. Lots of memories are made during this time of year, after all.

In other news, congratulations are in order to a few special people. Neither one of them are crazy enough to post a blog. At least not publicly, but they are still close to me, and as far as I know, read this blog.

First one is to David and Laurie, who just welcomed their newest edition, a little boy! Born a bit early, but healthy and home where he belongs, in time for Christmas. Congratulations you guys!

Second one is to my brother and his new wife. As you recall, they just got married in September. She was always told that she would have a difficult time getting pregnant, and when the time was right, would go straight on fertility medicine. She has the same problems I have; cysts, irregular periods, all that good stuff. Anyway, after a month on birth control, they just found out that she is pregnant!! I'm so happy for both of them! Deuce, my brother, is beyond happy and apparently can't seem to wipe the smile off his face. I'm so glad that the road to parenthood has, so far, been an easy one for them, instead of the twisty, bumpy road they thought they were in for.

Note to self: get to the darn doctor and order up some freakin' birth control.

one last attempt at the picture update.

2007-11-29T23:39:00.000-05:00

The Hives:

This is a good day, need I say more?!!

The Bumpo:

The boy may be the spitting image of his father. But I now have photographic proof that he is, by and large, my boy. Notice the crayon in his hand? He's circling the "good deals". Sorry about the blurriness of the pictures. It's hard to keep the boy still when there's So. Much. Excitement. In. Those. Ads.

The Cats:

Resting comfortably, on my couch, the day they came home from the vet. Odo, the one in black, was quite out of it for about 24 hours. Maddie, in orange, was there to offer his comfort, in her time of need. It's so awesome that they still act like they did when we got them. Still litter mates that can't be separated. If you look, you can see Odo's little shaved belly from her surgery. So cute, and soft!!

The Bob:

At his happiest, outside, with his family and a camera in his little hammy face. What a boy. I love that determined, hard-headed, light-hearted, lovable, much like his mommy, boy.

darn comcast.

2007-11-29T16:44:00.001-05:00

Did I happen to mention how much I hate Comcast? Because if I didn't, allow me to do so now. . . . I hate that darn company, they are a bunch of idiots who have no idea how to run a company. I could do a better job, and I know NOTHING about cable, or running wires, or any of that stuff.

Needless to say, I've missed posting for NaBloPoMo the last few days. I've been without Internet. Comcast has been busy "upgrading" our complex, allowing us to pay for our digital cable and Internet with our rent and supposedly making it cheaper. Well, apparently this upgrade required rewiring a lot of the buildings around here, or some such thing. So, while they disrupted my cable and Internet service, they also had to make it almost impossible to find a parking space in front of the building. It's been hell.

Other than that hell, things have been going well. I have been working like crazy which means awesome paychecks ahead, and just in time for some serious Christmas shopping. We've gotten most of the decorations up, and now I'm just waiting for my next day off to finish things up around here.

The kitties are doing well, also. Odo was quite sore for a few days, since she was pregnant at the time of her surgery, her recovery time was a little longer than it would have been otherwise. Maddie bounced back the same day he came home and has now decided that the kitchen counter is his new home, which is not going to fly with me.

The boys are healthy and happy. They've both given me their Christmas lists about a million times, which basically means they've either circled everything in the Sunday circular and written down every single toy they've ever seen on a commercial. So, they want anything and everything. Should be easy, right?!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have kitties and kiddos to feed, a load of laundry to wash, and some TV watching to do.

spinning my wheels

2007-11-24T19:31:00.000-05:00

I'm in a weird kind of mood today.

My PC card isn't working with my mac which means the photo update I wanted to do isn't possible now. Which, for some reason, is bumming me out more than usual.

Probably because I'm so damn tired, meaning anything and everything is taking more energy than I care to excerpt at this given moment. That and I think the hive problem is seriously wearing me down. Mind, body, and spirit. The hives cover at least 50% of my body on a daily basis, making for a gross looking cellulite-ish appearance. And, if that isn't a bad enough image, imagine having these weird bumps EVERYWHERE, roughly shaped like mosquito bites next to each other, that itch worse than any damn bite I've ever had in my life, non-stop. My body is so darn tired right now that no matter how much sleep I get, it still isn't enough to make a difference. As far as the mind and spirit part, suffice it to say, it's kinda hard to see yourself in the mirror, all splotchy faced and swollen, day after day, hour after hour. With the only relief being an over-the-counter antihistamine because anything else would knock me out on contact with my blood stream.

But enough with the "poor me" talk. Christmas is coming and there is much to much to do to let some minor health problem interfere.

Tomorrow. Tonight, I relax and sleep.

*Yes, I realize I missed posting yesterday. I'll try to fill in later tonight or tomorrow. Hopefully, with pictures.

10 ramdom things. . . .

2007-11-23T19:21:00.000-05:00

. . . . That I am most thankful for this year.

There really is so much, but I'm limiting myself to these ten. In the end, they are what matters most.

My children. They are happy and healthy, and home with me. Between sickness and infertility, I've witnessed more than one devastating story this year and it just makes me realize how lucky I am to have these boys. I love them so much.
My Timmy. He is my rock. He knows me better than I know myself and I love that. He loves my emotional self unconditionally, and does a darn good job of putting up with it most of the time.
My health. Despite my hives, I think I've turned a corner this year. My periods are beginning to regulate, which hopefully means the infertilly issues are coming to an end.
My kitties. Yes, I say I hate them. Yes, they do drive me insane at times. But, despite all that, they are awesome little critters. They make my family complete. I'm so happy their respective surgeries went well today and that they are home, sore, but happy.
My job. I love it. Never have I had a job where my opinion has been respected, they acknowledge a job well done, and understand that family is a top priority. They have been wonderful with me when a situation arises (like Bumpo getting so very sick) and very accommodating with my schedule.
My apartment. It's a small, small place, bursting at the seams with the four of us, plus our two cats, but it's home. It's where my children feel safe, where my family knows to find me, and the place where we feel comfortable. Yes, eventually I want to own a house. Eventually, I would like more space. But this was the place that welcomed us, with open arms after the fire. This is the place where we started our lives over again. This is a home we will never forget.
My parents. They are always there when I need them. Always just a phone call away. They are the ones who raised me, who taught me right from wrong, and who will always stand behind me. They've seen me at my best, and worst. I'm a very lucky girl to have them in my corner.
My in-laws. They are jerks most of the year, but they are family. They love my children dearly and always have their best interests at heart. And, when my mother-in-law isn't going crazy, she's a pretty okay person to be around.
My siblings. We aren't as close as I'd like but hopefully, in the coming years that will change. My brothers are excellent uncles for my boys, and truly treat them like they are golden. And, anyone who loves my boys is an ace in my book.
Money. Yes, I know it's not politically correct to be thankful for money, but I am. We don't have a lot, but we have enough. Enough to live comfortably, support our children, think about our future, and pay the bills. Here, because of the warm weather, I see people every day who don't have that. They don't have a roof over their heads, or food to feed themselves or children. No matter how much we may hate it, in this world we need money to live. It's a cold, hard fact. Think about that the next time you have a little extra "spending" money laying around. Instead of buying one more pair of shoes, put yourself in someone else's. Imagine not knowing where your next meal will come from, or where you'll be sleeping tonight.

still stuffed.

2007-11-23T10:54:00.000-05:00

So, it's the day after Thanksgiving, the sales suck, my stomach is still uncomfortably full, and I've slept all I can possibly sleep.

What's a girl to do?

And please, don't say the dishes, because seriously, I have a mountain. But, thanks to the husband, we also have a clogged sink. Three bottles of Draino later, and still - nothing but potato skin sludge and a backed up dishwasher to boot. So, we'll be waiting until maintenance gets over their turkey coma/hangover and decides to wander our way and fix the darn thing.

I guess I could venture out into the world and do a little shopping. And this is usually the plan for Black Friday. However, today after being at Staples when it opened this morning, I'm a little. . . . over. . . the whole crowd thing. Especially since I had a woman literally plastered to my backside all. morning. long. Seriously, don't think she has ever heard of a thing called PERSONAL SPACE. Even after a nudge or two, and then a word with her or TWO, she still continued to nudge herself up against me, worried that she wouldn't get her dear laptop. You know, the one THAT SHE ALREADY HAD A TICKET FOR. A ticket saying that she did indeed reserve that laptop, and that it needed to be picked up by 8:00 a.m. So, in other words, no rush. Also, did I mention, the sales?? They seriously disappoint this year. Target didn't even have any door busters. Unheard of. . . .

In other news, the house is too quiet today. No pitter patter of little tiny kitty feet. Nope. They were shipped off to the vet this morning to undergo a little "lop it off of/out of me" procedure. I miss their furriness. But, we think our sweet little girl, Odo, is/was pregnant, and even though I do love these cats, having ANY more would put me over the edge. Not to mention all the animals out there that need homes - I don't want to add to that. We tried to have this done a few months ago, but because our cats are so tiny, were told to wait until they turned one, and then bring them back for the procedures.

Let me tell you, it's been a long couple of months, trying (and apparently failing) to keep Odo away from Maddie and Maddie away from all things furniture, cloth, carpeted, upholstered, unoccupied, or standing still. All of my rugs in the kitchen and bathrooms are up because of his "spray painting abilities", and he's had to be locked in isolation, on a tiled, easy to clean floor, when we leave the house, or go to sleep. So, today is a good thing. I just can't wait until 5:00, when the cats are done, I know they are safe, and they are home with me where I can protect them and comfort them. Even if it is from a distance, away from any mad, sharp claws.

Well, I guess I'm going to go wake that husband of mine and get him out of this house. Destination, unknown. Maybe we'll even come home with a Christmas tree, or two.

Hopefully by then, I'll be able to work on that mountain problem.

happy thanksgiving

2007-11-22T14:49:00.000-05:00

Today we will be spending time together as a family, enjoying a delicious vegan feast, and relishing in the fact that, over all, it's been a very good year. We have a lot to be thankful for.

Just the fact that I have my family here, with me, and healthy enough to enjoy this wonderful day (and nice wonderful weather) is more than enough for me.

Hope all of your Thanksgivings are bountiful and memorable.

See you tomorrow, after my shopping excursion.

no time, again

2007-11-21T16:59:00.001-05:00

Not much time to breathe today, let alone post.

After putting in eight hours at work, I come home to a house in distress. Tim was home all day and supposed to be doing something. Apparently, all he managed to do is sit on the couch and work on his potato status. Sorry, can you tell I'm just a tad bitter.

Now, I have to get this house in ~~judgemental mother-in-law~~ company shape, prepare all the veggies for tomorrow, peel the potatoes and apples, make three pies - including handmade crusts, run to the damn store one last time, and try, desperately try, not to get into a huge argument with my dear husband before the day is over.

someone help me

2007-11-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

I don't know what is wrong with me, or what I was thinking, but I actually volunteered today to work on Thanksgiving.

Just in the morning, and for just five hours. But, still. . . . . Thanksgiving! This will be the first year that I miss the Macy's Day Parade, and you better believe I'm finding it very hard to keep myself from going to my dvr to record the whole event while I'm away.

Who does that? Seriously. Who records a freakin' parade to watch later in the day. Cause, you know, they kind of loose their appeal if they aren't watched live and stuff. At least for me. Being on the east coast, knowing that when Santa is coming down the street, he's REALLY coming down that street in New York City, and not already packed up and somewhere else.

Crazy. All of it. Even the fact that I still watch the damn parade in the first place. And, if that isn't bad enough, knowing that my favorite part is still seeing Santa, in his sleigh, waving at the crowd. Seeing him for the first time of the season, like a sign that everything has officially begun. I still get goose bumps. I think I get more excited over it than the kids do. In fact, I know I do.

But you know, it's all about tradition. I've watched that parade since I was a little girl, sitting on my daddy's lap, waiting, and waiting for Santa. Watching the same balloons march down the street, smelling my mom's cooking wafting from the kitchen, knowing that soon enough, I would see that jolly man in the red suit, and I would wave, like he was waving to me personally, when I saw him.

Yep, tradition. It's a grand old thing. And even if I can't be here this year to watch for the man in red, you better believe I will make sure Tim sits with the kids through it. And that I am here, at least by phone, for the moment that officially marks the Christmas season.

Because it just won't feel like Christmas if it happens any other way.

making lists

2007-11-19T12:41:00.000-05:00

Not much time to blog today. Tomorrow is my last day to get things done before Thanksgiving and I have to get as much rest as possible in order to do it.

That list includes, but is not limited to:

Work from 8-1
Cleaning house top to bottom
Catching up on the darn laundry, including folding and putting everything away.
Steam cleaning the carpet
Make my grocery list
Get all of my recipes together for the Big Day
Go grocery shopping
Get things rearranged for company on Thursday. (MIL is coming after all)
Locate some fancy dishes and purchase them. (having a hard time deciding)
Locate a nice table cloth and linen napkins for the buffet table.
Find my serving dishes.
Clean out the darn refrigerator (Most. Hated. Job. Ever.)
Make a list of things to do before-hand
Give cats a bath (just because I don't already have enough to do)
Get the hell off of this computer and start completing some of the stuff on this list.

note to self:

2007-11-18T14:39:00.000-05:00

Sending the little Bump into the bedroom with a handful of Twizzlers while you try to sneak the last piece of the vegan cheesy pizza goodness, that was last night's dinner, never works.

He will pick that moment to become very hygiene conscience. And absolutely refuse to stay in that dang room until he scrubs his hands. clean. at. least. a. hundred. billion. times.

And asks you, repeatedly, for help in his endeavor.

So, the relaxing lunch, that you so meanly decided was too good to share with the poor kid will not be enjoyable what-so-ever, but instead go something like this:

Door opens.

Hide food.

Bumpo asks for lunch.

Send him back into bedroom with new sugary snack.

Door opens, again.

You quickly swallow your mouthful of food.

Answer Bumpo's question, and send him away.

Decide that the door is just going to keep opening and eat faster.

Door opens, again.

Bumpo needs help with hands, AGAIN.

Help him.

Send him back into bedroom, shut door.

Retrieve pizza from hiding place.

Devour last little bit.

Decide it's best to make your son a decent lunch instead of the sugar-based lunch you sent him away with.

Peak in on him, spy him banging his head against the bed, while kicking his feet madly, realize the sugar rush has already started. Curse yourself for being so darn mean.

Decide this would make a great blog post.

Sit down, open laptop and begin to write.

Forget about making the kid something to eat.

Door opens, again.

Bumpo: "MOM, I want lunch!"

Continue to type out post.

Send Bumpo away.

Read that last line and realize that you REALLY need to make the poor kid some food. After all, he's still shut in the bedroom with a two pound bag of twizzlers. And, he's HUNGRY!

Secretly look forward to the sugar crash that is bound to happen.

blah

2007-11-17T22:55:00.000-05:00

Not feeling well.

Hives have taken over with great vengeance.

Can't sit still.

Benadryl sucks.

Hands hurt.

Lips swollen.

Same with feet, ears, throat, and everything in-between.

Don't know how much longer I can stand this.

Scheduling a trip to the ER tomorrow for an antihistamine drip.

Can't feel like this on Thanksgiving.

Better be hive free on Black Friday.

Going to bed.

Tomorrow better be different.

what to wear?

2007-11-16T14:51:00.000-05:00

Winter is one weird season here in the sunny state of Florida. Especially waredrobe wise.

The only thing you can really be sure of is that you won't be going bare armed for a few months, meaning the collection of tank tops, which are a necessity in the summer, won't be worn alone. However, they do look awfully cute layered underneath a sweater, providing the perfect amount of. . . . warmth. . . for a day of shopping in a hot stuffy mall.

Everything else isn't so easy, however. The t-shirts, Bermuda shorts, and flip flops that make up my entire summer look, still come in handy on the warm 80+ degree winter days. Along with the jeans, cute little dresses, and sandals for the cooler, yet still warm weather. Then, you add the sweaters, other long sleeve shirts, and jackets (because let me tell you, I love me some jackets, a girl can never have enough) for the cooler days, and my closets and dresser drawers are bursting at the seams.

I've already moved Tim out of another two drawers in our bedroom to make room for my expanded collection and I'm threatening to take another. The poor man will be living out of laundry baskets before the season is over!

Especially since there is nothing I love to buy more than clothes at this time of year. So many options. Layers! Long sleeves! Jackets! Boots! So much to play with and only about three months, less than that, really, once you factor out all the "seasonably warm days", to do it in!

Speaking of which, I better get a move on things, time's a tickin'.

missing: one awesome husband

2007-11-15T18:31:00.000-05:00

Tim hasn't been home a whole lot lately. The company he works for has been undergoing a much needed management change. Meaning they are taking their management teams from all over the local district and mixing them up a bit.

Tim was supposed to be one of the few that wasn't affected by this change. He was supposed to stay at the store right across the street from where I work. Well, at the last minute all of that changed.

He's now working closer to home, but a lot farther from where I work. Which makes sharing a car a pain in the royal butt.

Besides that though, he was moved to a store that needs a lot of help. They are currently going through their big annual review, the one that Tim just went through for his store about a month or two ago, and Tim has been working pretty much non-stop. We are literally talking 24 hours on at a time, trying to get this store ready for this big day (or days in this case).

And, if I can just be a little dramatic for just a moment, I miss him! I miss him so freakin' much it's killing me. He hasn't had a day off in about two weeks, and the time he is home, I'm at work. His schedule is so unpredictable right now and we can't plan days off together and if I don't get some alone time with him soon, (hell, I'll take any time I can get at this point) I may burst.

Luckily, after today this darn review is done for another year. Meaning he'll go back to having two days off a week and working normal 8-10 hour days.

And, we'll go back to having that awesome man around more. Woohoo!!

In celebration of his next day off I think I'm going to make him a yummy special dinner. Especially since I'm sure he won't feel like doing much other than sleep, and me hopefully. Not that I blame him. I don't think he's had a decent night sleep in a long time. And come to think of it, I can't remember the last time he had a decent meal.

This is one of those times when I absolutely love to serve him. Actually, come to think of it, I can't think of a time when I don't love serving him.

in-law drama

2007-11-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

So, I tried to be the better person. I tried, I really, REALLY did. I e-mailed her, invited her, shared my menu with her, and even thought of something she could do to help. She's all about helping, about being a part of the event.

Stupid, stupid me.

She called a few hours after I sent said e-mail to tell me that she would not be attending. On the surface, sounds like great news, right? Oh no, not with his mom. It's the holidays, which means she has to create some form of drama.

Remember Tim's long lost relative, who just died? Well, turns out, Debby is going to use his death to try and reign her son in, once and for all.

So anyway, she calls me, and has the nerve to tell me that she will not be attending because Shirley (the wife of the man who died) really wanted everyone down there for Thanksgiving, since this would be her first alone. . . . . Completely understandable, Tim and I would no doubt be there. However, before I could say those words, she continues. . . . . "So, I'm sure Tim would want to be there for that. You can deal with him being gone for one Thanksgiving, couldn't you?!"

Ummm, what??? No sorry, it's a holiday and as such I'd like to spend it with my HUSBAND, and I'm sure he'd like to be here with his KIDS! So I tell her as much, she gets all huffy and has the nerve to tell me that she'll just talk to Tim about the matter because clearly I'm too selfish to think about anyone other than myself.

So, I talk to Tim, (poor guy, always in the middle of this mess) and tell him about my confrontation with his mother. He then hatches a beautiful plan. See, the reason why his mom wants to go down there to begin with is to get Tim to herself but at the same time leave Steve (her soon to be ex, the kid's Boppa) alone on Thanksgiving.

I told you she was wonderful,didn't I?!!

Tim is going to tell her that we've already made plans with Steve. That we didn't think it was very nice or fair of her to try to make it so he was alone, that the kids would hate the idea of Boppa being alone on a holiday. So, we'll be here, with Boppa (who is the better one of the two) celebrating while she's far, far away. By herself. Leaving us with an awesome carefree, stress free Thanksgiving.

The only part that sucks is Shirley. The one who really needs family at this time. I know, without a doubt, that she invited all of us to attend, not just Tim and Debby. She told us as much when we were down there for the funeral. If it wasn't for Steve being alone, we'd go down there by ourselves.

Suddenly I feel like singing this song I know, a song about a witch, being dead. You know the one, from the Wizard of OZ??

This is definitely going on my top ten list for things to be thankful for this year.

wfmw: on the spot

2007-11-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

For this week's WFMW (Works for me Wednesday) I'm going to post about something that I really need to do, and have said I'm going to start doing, just haven't done it yet.

And that thing is this:
I am going to start a word document, and label it WFMW, and then, whenever an idea comes to me (usually on Thursday) I'm going to write it down in there. That way, on Wednesdays, I don't feel so "on the spot" to recall those great ideas that I've had all week long. Because I don't know about you, but when the time comes to post an idea, everything I've thought about all week long completely disappears, leaving me staring at a blank screen for about five minutes straight.

The other way all I'll have to do is cut and paste my brilliant thoughts, and the work is done.

I think that idea will work for me.

Because clearly, I need something.

For more ideas check out Rocks in my Dryer.

the reason I love paid vacation

2007-11-13T19:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been at my current job for over six months now. Actually, it's more like seven.

The good thing is that with this job, after six months, you get two weeks paid vacation. The bad thing is that my vacation time started on November first. We aren't allowed to take vacation anytime during November or December. And, if that isn't bad enough, our vacation time is for the calendar year, meaning that if it isn't used by the 31st of December, we loose it. Sucks, huh?

Now for the good news, because I can't officially take two weeks off, my boss has decided to let me have an extra day off every week to cover my vacation time. Then, whatever isn't covered by the week before Christmas, he'll pay out! I'm excited! Nothing better than that little bonus right before the holidays.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In other news, my house is a mess, my hives are driving me crazy, and there has been a new development in the whole mother-in-law drama.

However, I'm only going to talk about the first two, leaving this post incredibly dull and boring. I just don't have the energy (thanks to the damn hives and the antihistamines to combat the things) to talk about the third. Plus, it will give me something to write about tomorrow.

Anyway, my house. Yeah well, I've been saying that I need to clean it, that I'm going to clean it but instead I lay around on the sofa all day. No energy. Damn hives.

But tomorrow I am cleaning this place, top to bottom. Get it ready for the holidays. Which, by the way, I cannot wait for. Plus, the husband just got a new 60" television which needs it's proper showcase.

Okay, I need to run, I think it's safe to say that this can go down as the lamest post EVER. In the history of posts.

Next up: my "to do" list. Followed by the ever dramatic, nail biting saga that is my "grocery list".

Stay tuned. . . .

Holiday Shopping Carnival

2007-11-12T11:59:00.000-05:00

UPDATED: With fixed links. So sorry everyone. I thought I had checked every link, apparently not. However , they are all working now.

Through the years, I’ve always tried my hardest to find unique, personal gifts that I know the members in my family will love.

So far, I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it. At least I haven’t had any complaints, and I have some pretty outspoken, hard-to-buy-for people on my list.

So without further adieu I give you My Guide to Holiday Shopping 2007:

For the Gardener:

The Upside Down Tomato Planter – great for people who are limited for space. Or that die hard gardener that goes a little stir crazy during the winter months.
The Kitchen Counter Herb Garden – again, great for someone with limited space, or living in an apartment, like I do. I love the idea of having fresh herbs available to me, at arms reach, without the hassle of pesticides (like in the store bought kind), or having to deal with the dirt or mess I would make with a traditional herb garden. Bed, Bath, and Beyond also sells something similar for a slightly lower price.

For the Tech Junkie:

There are the ever popular ideas this year – an iPhone, PS3, or a Wii (which we have and it’s so incredibly awesome)
GameFly Membership – This is much like netflix.com, but for games. I am thinking about getting this for my husband this year. He can add as many games to his list as he’d like, try them out, and best of all, there are no late fees.
A New Flat-Screen TV – a bit on the pricey side, however I have heard that places that let you rent to own, are beginning to come down a lot in their prices. So much so that it is actually comparable to what you would pay if you were to put said item on your credit card. With interest and everything else, the cost is virtually the same.

For the Proud Grandparent:

A Digital Picture Frame – I love this idea. Buy one, fill it up with photos of the grand kids, and it’s ready to go. Target, Wal-Mart, K Mart, CVS, and Walgreens all have some inexpensive ones.
A Digital Photo Key Chain – a viewer that is portable and ready to go. The modern version of a brag book. You can find them at Target, CVS, or just about any other store out there, most of the time for under $25.
I Heart (Fill In the Blank) Framed Collage – for the non-tech type of grandparents. You can personalize it to say whatever you want. Something I’m sure any grandparent would adore.
Check out what your local stores have to offer in the photo lab section. - Most items are probably send-out, meaning they take a week or more to have done, but some stores have some awesome things. Like canvas prints, calendars, plates, shirts, bears, throws, and even a service where you can take old movies, slides, and the like and have then turned into DVD. You name it, they probably have it.

For Someone Who Has Everything (Female):

A Sephora Gift Card – Gift Cards usually aren’t my top choice for gift giving because they are so impersonal, in my opinion. However, I love Sephora’s. They go out of their way to make it look special by putting it inside a double mirror compact and then finishing it off by tucking it inside a little satin satchel. To make the gift more personal, try adding a little make-up bag, or a travel set of make-up brushes.
A Lumen Candle – These things are absolutely beautiful. It’s actually one of the top things on my list this year. Finish it off with some nice smelling oil and you’re good to go.
Inside-Out Champagne Glasses – For that person on your list who just has everything. These are just unusual enough. Perfect for that new couple, or the person who just has it all.
A Beautiful Book – This place has a coffee table book for about any subject you can think of. Same with Barnes & Noble or any other book store.

For Someone Who Has Everything (Male):

A Hidden Message Key Chain – This is a great gift idea for Dad or Granddad, from the kids. They can express their love, or engrave it with a saying that means something, just in the family.
Sterling Locket Cuff Links - My husband says that men usually get “the shaft” when it comes to gifts. Whether it be Father’s Day or Christmas, if you look at any department store out there you will see that the gifts out for men truly do lack, in every sense of the word. But, I love this idea. So simple, so classic.
The Art of Shaving Gift Certificate – They have an awesome collection of stuff on their website. And, if you happen to live near one, even better. Treat him to a Traditional Shave at their Barber Spa.
A collection of restaurant gift certificates – **My favorite idea** - -Perfect for someone who doesn’t have a lot of time on their lunch break. Pick up some gift certificates to the restaurants (preferably fast food or ones with a take-out menu) around where he works. The good thing is this can be relatively cheap, $5-$10 per certificate. Just enough to cover the cost of one meal.

For the Child Who Has Everything:

A digital Camera – This will be my gift to my oldest this year. There are many options for a digital camera and the price range is huge, allowing just about anyone to give this gift. I plan on adding a camera holder, photo album, and gift card for photo processing.
The Explorer Globe – my oldest had one of these a few years ago (before the fire) and both of my children played with it constantly. Even now, they still talk about their beloved globe. The age range says for 8+ but I will be giving this to my five year old. It’s perfect for the younger kids. Especially if they have an older sibling to play with.
I Can Play Guitar – Tim and I have noticed that both of our boys have recently started to get interested in musical instruments. There is something similar on the market (I’ve seen it at Target) with a keyboard, but I can’t seem to find it online now.
A Learning Keyboard – for an older child. An actual keyboard that has the keys that light up to teach you how to play. Target has a couple in their electronics department.
Books - This is something that is so overlooked but, at least for my children, loved dearly. Find out what they're interested in and grab a few books on the subject. Or try picking up a children's cookbook. They'll have a blast helping out in the kitchen.

For The Cook:

Gold Touch Baking Sheets – These things are by far the best baking sheets I have ever come in contact with. Well worth the price. They are AWESOME!!
Silpat – Another brilliant baking must-have. Nothing sticks to it. Makes clean-up super easy.
An Immersion Blender – Perfect for soups. I never knew how handy these things were until after mine broke. I miss that thing dearly.
A Food Processor – If you know anyone who doesn’t have one of these things, get it for them, NOW! I can’t imagine a kitchen without one. They make life so much easier. Check out Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Wal-Mart, or any other Department Store.

Okay, I think I’m done. I’ve gone way overboard here, so sorry about that. If you’re still reading, thanks for sticking around! Hope I gave you some good ideas!

have I mentioned how much I love that man

2007-11-11T09:40:00.000-05:00

My husband has an eye for the finer things in life. This usually isn't a problem. He works hard, and I don't see anything wrong with him indulging in those finer things, when the money is there.

However, this time of year it proves to be a huge issue with us. See, I love Christmas shopping, and I love getting people what they want most on their lists. However, since we have such a long list to shop for, money gets stretched a bit tight, mainly because of our dear children.

So, when all you hear month after month, is how he really wants a PS3 or an iPhone, or a new Mac Powerbook, or that shiny new gold brick, it gets me down. I know what our budget for the holidays are this year, and in order to get Tim even two things off his list, it would require me to go way OVER budget, or seriously cut back on the rest of the family. None of which I want to do because, on top of getting people what they want, I like to get them a lot of stuff. That way they aren't left sitting there on Christmas morning after they've opened their ONE gift, while the rest of us continue to open.

So, last night I sat down with that awesome husband of mine and explained my dilemma to him. And how horrible I was feeling because he is always an impossible person to shop for. I end up feeling like I didn't get him enough, or that I just got him mediocre stuff because most of his list is still left unchecked.

He, of course, being the wonderful man he is, felt horrible that I had been feeling this way. So he instantly began to write out his list for this year. And while there were some very pricey items on the list, there were also just as many easily obtainable items as well.

Then I came to the last item on his list. . . .

Hot Chocolate on Christmas Morning with the Family.

Something so simple, so easy, and so incredibly innocent. It made my heart melt. Sometimes I forget that with this husband of mine, while his wish list may be expensive, it's still the simple things that mean the most to him.

I tell ya, I don't know what I did to get so lucky.

a not so original idea

2007-11-10T16:43:00.000-05:00

Here, I have an idea. . . .

Why don't you ask me a question! Everyone else seems to be doing it and frankly, maybe then I'll have something to write about instead of just posting my grocery list, which I am so tempted to do, by the way.

So come out, delurk, ask any question you can think of.

I'm an open book.

not a lot to say

2007-11-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

I just spent the better part of an hour preparing a blog post for Monday's big event. Leaving me completely blank for now.

Hopefully I'll be back later this evening with something snarky, witty, or at least the slightest bit interesting to say.

file under. . .

2007-11-09T19:12:00.000-05:00

There are times in my life that I remember vividly. Moments I swore I'd preserve in my memory forever, under the file header "best times ever".

One of those times was my first dance, with the boy I was so madly in love with. At the end of that night, I couldn't even begin to imagine a moment that could ever top that.

A few years later,my Junior year to be exact, was the first time I'd ever been to Disney World. I went with my high school choir and for me, it was everything Walt Disney had always promised it to be. I can still remember every single moment. Hanging out with my friends, performing in front of hundreds of people, the hotel, the rides, and the magical feeling I was left with at the end of that trip.

During my senior year (before I was pregnant), I began to get very nostalgic, depressed even, reading into what they always tell you. About how those were the best years of your life. "You'll never feel like you do now" was actually something my principal said during graduation. You know, all that stuff.

Well, I have to say, everything I was told then was so wrong.

I returned to Disney World about five years after my first visit. And I have to tell you, it was even more magical than it was the first time around. That time, not only was I looking at things through my eyes, but I was also seeing them through my then two year old son's eyes. And, nothing, NOTHING is better than that feeling.

And today. To the outside world it would have looked like any normal day. But to me today was one of those times that goes far beyond a moment to remember.

I had the day off of work, so the boys and I decided to play hookie. I try to do this kind of thing about once a year with the kids. It gives them a nice break and it gives me some quality time with them.

So, after we slept in, we all got dressed, and headed out to Starbucks, at Bumpo's request. There, we ordered two Soy Hot Chocolates warmed to "kid temperature" and a Soy Vanilla Latte, for me. We sat outside at one of the tables for awhile and had very deep conversations about their Christmas wish lists, why the sky is blue, and the ever important boy talk about farts and gas, and other gross disgusting things.

From there, we ventured on to Hobby Lobby (my little town is growing up so fast, we actually have a Hobby Lobby and a Michael's now!) where we looked at all the Christmas stuff, and shopped the sales.

After that, they were in the mood for a pretzel so it was off to Target for a much needed snack break. Because seriously, how can you beat spending $2 on a pretzel and a medium drink?!! The boys then wanted to look at the toys and clothes and the electronics and the Christmas stuff. So off we went.

After about two hours of paroozing every aisle in Target it was time to head home and start dinner, which will be sloppy joes, their choice.

Today was absolutely amazing for me. So much more important than those other memories I have stored in my head of what I thought was the best moments of my life.

When I look at my two beautiful children playing together in front of me, I realize that right now, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of being their mother, their mentor, their guardian, these are the best moments I will ever experience.

The every day life when we get to play and laugh and just spend the day together.

The expression on Bumpo's face today as I looked at him through my rear view mirror, when he told me that he had just had an accident. How disappointed he was in himself for causing us to have to run home for a quick wardrobe change. And how it almost brought tears to my eyes to see him so upset. Or how privileged I felt to be the one to comfort him, to tell him that accidents are okay, that we can fix this little problem. And how happy it made me to see the smile return to his freckled face.

Or when Bob so intently played with a Newton's Cradle today. And how closely he listened to me as I taught him why it is called that. About Newton's Laws. And how he sat there, in that store for five minutes solid playing with that thing, focused and determined to try every possible combination for himself. And then walked away with knowledge he didn't have before. Something new that I had taught him.

Today was full of moments that I hope to remember for a very long time. However, I am sure that as life goes on, they will be pushed aside for new memories, new exciting experiences that life has to offer.

And that is okay. It is okay because I am lucky. I get to make memories with these boys every single day. So many moments that it's just too much for my brain to contain.

And in the grand scheme of things, I can't think of anything much better than that.

some updates

2007-11-08T19:13:00.000-05:00

On the hive front:

Still have them. They went away for a little while during the night but now they are back, just as strong. I'm hoping a few days of no work, some good vitamins, and some good-for-me food will knock the suckers out once and for all. . . . Well, at least for a couple days so I can get some relief. If these are anything like the last ones I had a few years ago, I don't look for them to permanently go away any time soon.

The good thing about that realization, is after awhile, I'll get used to them. Which is something to look forward to, I suppose.

With the in-laws:

I just want to thank all of you for all your wonderful advice. Especially you, Amber, thanks for taking the time to help me out, your post gave me so much to think about. You all have given me a lot to think about. So, Tim and I sat down this afternoon, before he went to work, and had a long conversation about everything. We've decided to do a combination of things.

First of all, I think we're going to use Thanksgiving as a test run. Basically, have them both over, see how things go, and then make some adjustments from there.

If they do act out towards each other (or more likely, my mother-in-law opens her big mouth), we are fully prepared to sit them down and talk with them. Give them an option. They either grow up, act like adults, and we all enjoy Christmas together, or they come at separate times, or not at all. Meaning one (or both) of them will miss out on the kids opening gifts in the morning. Which is something they'll have to work out among themselves.

Tim is fully standing behind me in this matter which is something I am beyond thankful for. Not that I doubted him in any way. Because I didn't. He's actually the one who came to me this afternoon and said that we needed to talk about a solution to this problem because HE didn't want his mom ruining another one of his holidays. Which meant more to me than he'll ever know.

Other things we're planning: making sure we have a jammed packed schedule on Christmas Eve and day so that time for fighting is limited, if they decide to show up together. And, what to tell the kids if they decide not to show up at all.

All in all I'm happy with our plan for now. We will see what Thanksgiving holds, and make our adjustments from there. More importantly, I'm just glad we have a plan made for this gigantic problem. And that in the end, Christmas will be awesome, regardless.

The disaster with the school:

Well, we sat, we talked. And in the end, they apologized and promised to never let something like that happen again. They understood our concerns, since this was the second time something like that had happened. They also assured us that it would be nearly impossible for any kind of predator to get a hold of one of my children. Not sure how I feel about the other kids who attend that school, but at least I'm a little more at ease. They understand that if they do not see either Tim nor I, they are not to release my children. Seems like a pretty simple plan, we'll see how well it works.

In other news:

I am so glad I talked Bumpo out of purchasing these with his found Halloween money. They were literally sitting in my cart, on the way to the check-out, while I tried desperately to talk Bumpo out of it. Luckily, we ran across a superhero set, where he got like six superheros for $20. So, the aqua dots were forgotten.

Sad thing is, you can rest assured that if we were to have purchased those damn toys, Bumpo would have put the things in his mouth. He puts everything in his mouth.

So, so glad I talked him out of it.

wfmw: the backwards edition (now with updates, on the bottom)

2007-11-07T13:13:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the holidays are coming up and I have this serious problem to deal with.

My In-Laws. . .

Now, if you've read me for any length of time, you know that I just don't get along with them. Mainly my mother-in-law. She is the most selfish person I've ever met. That among other things.

Anyway, now she and my father-in-law are in that awkward state of "getting a divorce, but can't afford to officially separate (ie: live in separate homes, have separate lives) so they are stuck, together, fighting constantly.

They were here on Halloween and it was VERY uncomfortable to anyone in the room.

Debby would talk about how worthless Steve is, and Steve being the man he is sat and took it all.

Anyway, all of this to ask a question. Thank you if you're still reading. . . .

With the holidays around the corner, Tim and I have already decided that we are NOT going anywhere. We are holding the festivities here, to make our own traditions. So the boys can actually play with their toys on Christmas.

The in-laws know this and so far, it hasn't been a problem. But, I really don't want them here if they're going to fight the way they did on Halloween.

Some hurtful things were said about Steve (Boppa, to the kids), in front of my children. Not a good situation for anyone. Not to mention, not very holiday spirited.

I've talked to Tim about this and he isn't comfortable saying anything to his mom. Not that I can really blame him. She has a tendency to blow things WAY out of proportion and will promptly announce that she will not be coming for Christmas, instead of actually listening to our concerns.

Any ideas? What should we do to insure a happy holiday season for our children and not something fresh out of Jerry Springer?

UPDATED:
Thank you so much for all the awesome ideas so far. You've all given me so much to think about.

However, let me just explain a little more about my mother-in-law.

What seems simple and easy for most of us, is almost impossible to do with her. Like talking to her, in a calm manner.

The woman is crazy. Not to be mean or spiteful but she is. Tim and I, over the years have approached her about her behavior with Steve. See, even when things were "good" with them they would still argue on a regular basis. She would still put him down in front of us, all the while using him as her personal servant.

Steve has his own problems,mind you. Number one: he's let this go on for so many years, without standing up for himself.

So, he's always been her doormat.

Anyway, when we have said stuff to her, she always takes it to the extreme.

Example:
A couple years ago, when we lived out of state, we came to visit for Christmas. They were their normal, dysfunctional selves, and my children were there to witness it all.

We tried to say something to his mom quietly about it. Saying something like "hey we understand that you aren't used to having little ears around anymore but we wouldn't want the children to get the wrong idea. They love you both and are beginning to worry that you are fighting because of them." Well, she flipped out and spent all of Christmas in her room yelling for Steve to bring her this, and bring her that.

We ended up opening gifts, quietly and then spent the rest of the holiday out and about, trying to stay away from the house. We even had TV dinners that year. It was horrible.

My oldest, after we left to go home, told me he never wanted to visit their house for Christmas again because of this.

Oh, and did I mention that this was Bumpo's first Christmas? Yeah. . .

Now, because we live here and see them on a regular basis, the kids already consider Yaya (what she insists the kids call her) to be mean and nasty. Bumpo, who loves everyone, hates to be around her anymore. He says that all she cares about is her dog and her computer. It's a terrible, terrible situation.

Basically, the only reason we are still in contact with them is because she IS Tim's mom. The only real family member he has. And he hangs on to the good times they shared when he was growing up with just her.

hives; and not the bee kind

2007-11-07T08:50:00.000-05:00

Right after my oldest son was born, I began to come down with these very strange bumps. They started in my lower lip, leaving it swollen in a "botox gone wrong" kind of way.

At first, I thought I was the victim of some strange spider that only had eyes (or fangs) for me. But, then the bumps spread. They started to itch. And pretty soon, I was covered in these plateau shaped, red, sore bumps. Every. Single. Day.

Turns out, I had a chronic case of hives. Weeks went by and still, without missing a beat, the hives would return day after day. Some days they wouldn't be so bad. A single Benadryl would knock them out. Other days, I would have to go to the Emergency Room for a Benadryl IV drip, because NOTHING would get rid of the suckers.

Doctor after doctor tried, and failed, to determine the cause of the hives. In the end, I walked away knowing I was allergic to something, but no one could tell me what.

These hives lasted until I was done breast-feeding my YOUNGEST son. Then one day, as fast as they had come, they left.

And I was happy.

Until, about a week ago when the pesky bumps returned. And returned they did, with a vengeance, making up for lost time.

I had to come home early yesterday from work, because the damn hives were in my ears, in my throat, and threatening to take over my face at any given second. I was a mess. And, these were the bad kind of hives. The kind that itch. Make you incredibly sore all over. Give you chills, then leave you burning up. And, last but not least, make you so incredibly swollen that all you can really see doing for the rest of the day (or week) is sleep because that's the only time you aren't willing to claw off your own skin for some comfort.

That is how I feel right now as well. We are going on twenty-four hours of relentless hives. I've taken pill after pill, and slept more than I thought I could sleep. All of that, with nothing to show for it.

Tonight I fear a dreaded trip to the ER is in order. I would go now, but unfortunately, I can't drive after being pumped full of Benadryl, hell I can hardly walk. So, I have to wait for Tim to get off of work.

So, for now I'm off to wrap my hands in duct tape and go back to bed.

today I lost him

2007-11-06T15:21:00.000-05:00

I love my childrens' school, I truly do. They aren't an "A" rated school for nothing, after all.

This school has really brought Bob into his own. He is confident, happy, and more than willing to excel in anything they throw at him, and when he does, they keep throwing. He doesn't get bored here like he did with his old school, they keep him occupied.

With Bumpo they are always patient and kind to him. He has a tendency to forget about his school work and socialize a little too much with his neighbors, or the teacher, or anyone within a two mile radius. They are always able to get him back on track and he too has really grown over the last three months. I can't sing this school's praises more, really, they are awesome.

There is just this one tiny little problem. . . . . Actually, it's more like this huge GIGANTIC problem that is causing me to doubt the entire staff.

Today when I went to pick up my children, I was told that they could not find Bumpo. That they hadn't seen him. That he wasn't released with the parent pick-up crowd (I usually pick them up from school, even though we live right next door, because I'm usually coming from work and barely have time to make it to the school.), so they got on their little two-ways and determined that, in fact, he had been released as a walker, by himself.

All. By. His. Little. Five. Year. Old. Self.

Knowing full well that he has a brother in third grade, who when the rare occasion arises that they do walk, always stops by to get Bumpo, and then they wait, FOR ME, if for some strange reason, I'm not already there, waiting for them, which I don't think has even happened this year.

So, I'm told this and completely freak out because, sadly, this isn't the first time they have lost my youngest. I was told about a month ago that he had already been picked up, when in fact, he had been taken inside for a bathroom break. Which of course, took a long (probably the longest) FIFTEEN minutes to straighten out and find him.

Anyways, so after I receive the news that they let my little five year old son, walk home, ALONE, I madly drive off, thinking the worst.

"The older kids that walk home, they're so rough and mean."

"Bumpo, he's never been outside without me."

"Will he remember to look for cars before he crosses the street?"

"Will the other kids leave him alone, or will I find him beaten to a pulp in the woods somewhere."

"Will I even FIND him?"

"Oh my god, where in the hell is he?!!"

All of these thoughts, plus a million others while tear after tear fall from my cheeks.

I call Tim in hysterics and tell him the grim news, that I have been searching for what seems like forever for our youngest son and I can't find him, ANYWHERE. That Bob is out, looking in the woods, and asking around while I walk on foot around the complex. I can't even think straight anymore.

Tim promptly makes plans to leave work and help in the search.

Then, while I'm screaming in the phone to Tim, it beeps, another call has come in and it's our apartment office, I click over and hear what I fear I'd never hear again. The sound of my sweet son's innocent voice and I melt.

Turns out, a friend of Bob's, is also a walker, his grandmother picks him up. Well, she thought something was up when she saw my tiny son walking home without his big brother, and walked with him. She took him to our door, and of course I wasn't home, I was at the school trying to pick him up, so she took him to the office to call me. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay her, or thank her enough. Because of her, my boy was safe. She was there for him when I couldn't be. I don't know how you can possibly thank someone enough for something like that.

Looking back, Bumpo was probably only "missing" for about five minutes. But, it was the worst five minutes of my life. It was also an easily avoidable five minutes. And that is something that isn't as easily forgiveable. They are supposed to keep track of these children. It's their most important job!

Tonight I'm left wondering just how easy it would be for a predator to get ahold of one of these kids. Sure, they take their precautions. They have their system. But they've already lost my son on two separate occasions, and he's in Kindergarten, which they seem to guard more than the other grades. Just how easy would it be for someone to get a hold of . . . say. . . my older son. The one who is the fiercely independent third grader?

I have every intention on sitting down with the principal and anyone else who will listen tomorrow and discussing my concerns over this matter.

Because, I can promise you this, if there EVER is a third time, we won't be having a calm rational conversation. They'll have to deal with one pissed off mommy, and that won't be pretty, not to mention, it probably won't accomplish much of anything. So lets hope we accomplish what we need to tomorrow and that there won't be a need for another meeting after this.

Now, off to the Internet to find that much sought after bubble. Hopefully they'll have one in Bumpo's size.

so tired

2007-11-05T18:55:00.000-05:00

So very, very tired.

We were slammed at work today. We did about 2500 photos, which is about 1500 more than we did just yesterday.

I think this cooler weather is making our customers think about Christmas a lot sooner than they did last year. Which means a lot more business, a lot sooner for us. But, that is a good thing. Especially when it comes to asking for a raise!

Not to mention how much I am LOVING the cooler weather. But for now, I'm off to bed. I have to be back at work first thing in the morning and sleep is all I can think about right now.

Goodnight!

Oh, and I promise to post a real post tomorrow.