Saturday, December 30, 2006

Goodbye 2006

As the new year approaches, I find myself getting more and more giddy. I have convinced myself that 2007 is going to be The year, MY year. The year where I do EVERYTHING right. I get my life in gear and by golly make sure I prevent all those disasters that seemed to find their way right to my doorstep this year.

I guess it's no secret that, for me, 2006 has been one suck a$$ year. Even as I sit here typing this, all the emotions of the past 12 months come flooding back and it seems almost too much to handle.

I started off the year with a miscarriage. A miscarriage that, to be completely honest, I don't think about all that often, but when I allow myself to do so, I can't help but think, if that pregnancy would have been successful, I'd be sitting here right now with a new baby. Boy or girl (I secretly would have wanted a girl) that baby would be around 2 months old right now. She would have just celebrated her first Christmas with her two older brothers by her side "helping" her open her stash from Santa. I have no doubt in my mind, that had that pregnancy "took", it would have made all the difference this year. Instead of 2006 being my worst year ever, it would have been a bad year with one of the best gifts ever. But it didn't happen. Instead that event became (what is now known as) the precursor of the year to follow.

April was by far the hardest month. I have a hard time with that fact. April has always been my favorite month. Heck, I'm named after the month, I celebrate my birthday that month. However, this year I feel betrayed. It started out wonderfully, we went on a great vacation, and (other than Bumpo being really sick the entire time) had an awesome time. But it's so hard to focus on that now. Now, all April reminds me of is fire. It's a reminder of everything we lost. My wonderful cat, my home, my children's home, everything they had ever known. It's something that has had such a dramatic effect on my life that, to this day, I can't even stand the mention of Easter. In fact, I think I've gotten rid of every single reminder of this past Easter. The children's' Easter baskets are gone, the plastic eggs that I always try to save and reuse - gone, even the little trinkets and toys they received that day are no where to be found in my house (they keep those at their grandparents' house).

My birthday this year was not spent in celebration with my family but instead, spent picking through bits of debris looking for salvageable pieces of birthdays past. Only to return to a hotel that night, exhausted, but not because of a day full of fun or some exotic trip, but a day full of emotion and anger - - homeless, with my children across town spending yet another night with my in-laws. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle April in the year to come. All I know is that right now, the feelings of betrayal run deep. We are still not fully recovered from that fateful day. It took us six years to get there and I fear it will be at least that long before everything is back to normal. I find my life is split in to three chapters now, Before I had kids, Before the Fire, and After the Fire.

The rest of this year, while not highlighted by such tragic events, has not been much better. From my parents splitting up, to horrible issues with my in-laws, to Bumpo's breathing problems in full force, things couldn't have been more complicated, not to mention stressful around these parts the past twelve months. So, I guess you can understand why I'm more than happy to bid this awful year adieu and take my chances with the year to come.

Even with all the awful things this year has brought, I have to say that there are some things I have to be grateful for as well. While I did loose a lot this year, my family is all still here and we're all healthy. I can think of more than one family who has lost someone close to them, be it a husband, parent, or (worse by far) a child. Those people make my year look like a breeze. I honestly don't know how they've gotten through. Loosing a tiny little fetus, that I didn't even know existed until it was too late, was hard enough on me.

Tim and I are stronger than we've ever been and have grown to really understand one another. We rallied together when things got tough and we made it through. There were times this year that I really didn't think I'd be sitting here now with him by my side. Not because we don't love one another, but because there was one point, in particular, where it looked like our lives were headed in complete opposite directions.

After my miscarriage, I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again. I thought about it every waking moment. I became the most superstitious person I know, wishing every time the clock would read 1:11, 2:22, 3:33 and so on and so forth to be pregnant (and stay pregnant) by the end of the year with a happy and healthy baby girl. I willed my body to do stuff that, I've since learned, it will probably never do again. I was so angry and so hurt by my body. For the first time ever, I couldn't fix what was wrong with me. All my rituals, my superstitions, weren't fixing the problem. I spent hours upon hours going over what exactly my lifestyle was like when I got pregnant in the past and trying to duplicate those situations. At one point, I was convinced that I wasn't getting pregnant because we lived in Florida. To say I was stressed, and unhappy is an understatement.

When Tim finally sat me down and told me that he didn't want another child, I honestly didn't see a way for us to overcome that situation. I, again, felt so betrayed, (common feeling this year, I might add) I couldn't wrap my brain around how someone who says he loves me so much, would deliberately rip my heart out like that. How was he willing to give up his entire family just because I wanted another child? People have wanted worse things. Looking back however, it wasn't just about having another baby. It was about the person I had become. Or, more appropriately, the shell of the person I had become.

He did an amazing thing for me that day. The one thing, only he could have done, to help me out so desperately. He helped me realize that instead of focusing all that energy on stuff that I didn't have but wanted (or wanted to do but couldn't), I should be focusing on the stuff I do have and could never live without, my sweet boys. After I let all that go, I was once again happy with my life, more importantly I am content with my life. I won't lie and say I no longer want another child, because a part of me still does. However, I can say that I will be just as happy if I never get that chance. So, this year has done a wonderful thing for my relationship with Tim. It's made us happier and more comfortable with each other than we've ever been. So for those things, I am thankful.

However, don't let those last couple paragraphs fool you. I still plan on celebrating with the best of them come New Year's Eve this year. Saying goodbye to 2006 will be a celebration I'm not going to miss out on. National Hangover Day, here I come!!

Don't worry about me though, I'll be doing all my partying from the comfort of my own home.

To everyone else out there, have a safe and awesome New Year's. And, if you don't plan on staying home, here's wishing you the greatest designated driver ever!!