Tuesday, October 21, 2008


. . . . It's a funny thing, that there word. You never seem to stop searching for it.

As a baby, you discover it's importance when you try to sit up for the first time. The same is true for a toddler learning to walk. Later on, to ride a bike, or skates, or just about any other wheeled toy. But, even as an adult, I still find myself searching for it.

Sadly, it hasn't gotten any easier to find.

How does a working mom not feel guilty for leaving the children at home, spending ten hours of her day at work? Leaving an hour or two for the most important people in her life, trying desperately to cram as much quality time in to those hours as possible, wondering, hoping that it's enough?

How does a stay-at-home-mom not loose touch with themselves? Make sure they aren't fully consumed by the notion of making their kids happy, so much so that she depends on them to fill her day, just as much as they depend on her.

I'm walking those lines now. I work full time, but in my heart of hearts, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, I still consider myself a stay-at-home-mom. My boys are my life.

This is where that dear word rears it's ugly head again in my life, I feel that I haven't found the proper balance between work and home. I spend too much of my time away, and when I am home, work has me so exhausted that I'm really not giving all I could to my dear family.

On the flip side of that, I need my job. The extra money is a nice thing to have, especially now with the hard times everyone is facing. Quitting isn't an option. Cutting back and still keeping my same rate of pay also isn't an option. I've rearranged my hours, cut back on my night shifts, and have worked really hard to make the days I have off special for the boys. Whether it be cleaning the entire house top to bottom, together. Or, spending the day at the park, I make sure to include them in whatever the agenda holds.

Yet, something is still off. I'm wearing myself to the bone. I'm tired constantly, have a fever at least three nights a week, and can't remember the last time I've had a decent nights sleep.

So, back to the drawing board I go. There has to be a way to do everything that has to be done, without killing myself in the process. My boys don't just deserve a mom who is there when she can be, they deserve a mom who actually enjoys the trips to the parks, the walks around the neighborhood, the shopping excursions to find the perfect Halloween costumes. They deserve a mom who gets just as much enjoyment out of those events as they do, instead of someone who is wishing we could just hurry it up already so I can get home to rest.

So, balance, once again I search for you. Hopefully, once I do find you, it's just like riding a bike.