Sunday, August 13, 2006

Soul Searching

This past week has been an emotional one, to say the least. There has been so much going on in my head and it's been getting the best of me for way to long now. But I'm happy to say that I've finally put all my demons to rest.

As I've stated before, in many posts, I really wanted to have a third child. Unfortunately, my body has refused to cooperate and has made these past few years rather painful, emotionally speaking. It had gotten to the point where I spent hours on here, reading blog after blog about all these infertile women and their painful journeys. I really felt like I fit in with them. Tim was great in the beginning and agreed to just let things be. If I got pregnant then good, but if not he was fine with that too. He's always been happy with two kids and has never wanted more than that. He's nine years older than me and while I'm still at the prime age to have children, he feels that he's getting to old for them now. He wants to be able to enjoy life, after the kids are grown.

This week things finally came to a head. It had been brewing under the surface for months now and finally it couldn't be contained any longer. We sat down and talked about the whole baby ordeal. In the end he decided that he really doesn't want any more kids and that it will probably never change. But he was willing to compromise by adopting an older child, like non-infant type, 2-3 years old. This of course sent me into a tailspin because another baby is all I've been able to think about for such a long time now. It even got to a point where we were talking about separating. I couldn't get past the fact that he was willing to loose his entire family just because he wanted to have his freedom when he was older, like he has always planned. He on the other hand, couldn't get past the idea that I was willing to loose him and break up our family, just because he didn't want another baby. It really looked like there was no solution.

Then one night, everything just clicked. It was a truly amazing moment. Finally, after all these years of stress and agony, I was able to let it all go. I was tucking my boys in for bed, after an incredibly stressful day full of tears, when I looked at them, and the thought of uprooting their lives, over something that probably wouldn't happen anyway was crazy. My poor boys have been through so much this year and they didn't deserve that too. Not only that but I could never picture my life without Tim in it. He truly is amazing and I think we do a pretty good job at balancing each other out.

Anyway, I went to bed that night thinking about everything and for the first time in such a long time, realized that I really am happy with my life, just the way it is now. Our life is so chaotic right now and adding another child to that would not be good for anyone. We live in a two bedroom apartment. Where in the world would a baby go? I'm also done with diapers. Both of the boys are out of them and I'm not sure I want to revisit that part of my life again. Things here are good. For the first time in a long time I was able to sit back and realize that, and be happy about it. I had been so busy focusing on the stuff my body couldn't do anymore, and trying to prove it wrong, that another baby is what I thought I really wanted. When, in truth, I was just trying to prove to myself that I could still have a baby- - that my body was fine. So much so, and I hate to admit this part, that I chose to ignore everything the doctors had told me and refused to admit that I do have a problem. Just because I didn't want to believe it.

I've been told that I have PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which basically means my ovaries have a lot of cysts on them, which makes it hard to ovulate. It also means, I only have about two periods a year. While I'm still not sure if this is what I really have, since many of the main symptoms don't apply to me (high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol) I do know that something is wrong. I also know that I need to focus on the problem, instead of pretending it doesn't exist. It has completely and totally devastated me and I have been incredibly depressed over this for way too long now. I'm not even sure why. Except that I've always been so amazingly healthy and to have something like this go wrong, something I can't control or fix, is hard on the ego.

So anyway, all of this weight I've been carrying around on my shoulders finally just snowballed, then melted away. I really don't want another baby, and I don't think I ever did. I still love the idea of a baby and I still feel that twinge of jealousy whenever I see a beautifully pregnant belly but it isn't painful for me anymore. A third child would be nice, but now I really am liking the idea of adopting one. There are so many kids out there that deserve good lives with a family that loves them unconditionally. Especially since we want a slightly older child. So many of those children will never go on to see good lives because they are no longer babies, and because of that small thing, a thing they can't control, they basically get black listed, never seeing a stable home-life.

Things between Tim and I are so much better now that we got all that out. I've been able to let down my guard for probably the first time in our relationship. I feel like we're finally getting close again. I've missed him. And I've missed myself as well. I still have a long way to go with accepting my medical problem and dealing with it, but I will get there. The most important thing is that we've overcome a huge hurdle, and it's only made us stronger.