Thursday, April 12, 2007

Today, the car - - Tomorrow, the world!

Before i became obsessed with everything suv-esk (and before you say anything, yes, that is sooooo a usable term.), I owned a tiny Saturn SL2. I loved my little car. It was great on gas, speedy, and during the entire time I had her, she had very few problems. Sadly, after carting two little boys around town in those cramped quarters for a few months, it became a bit much, and I began to resent my reliable vehicle. So, a few months later, when my dear Betsy (oh yes, she had a name) croaked after 250,000 miles of glorious service, I took that as a sign and upgraded.

I have been the proud owner of an SUV ever since. I absolutely love the thing (her name is Lorleen). Sure, the gas mileage sucks, when something goes wrong it costs a fortune to fix, and the days of squeezing into those close, "compact car only" parking spaces are long gone. But, none of that matters. As a mother, you can't really know true happiness until the first time you are able to ride in a car, and not get kicked in the back. Not. One. Single. Time. It's the definition of complete bliss. My back thanks me. So as you can see, my large car isn't just some stingy luxury, it's beneficial to my health.
All good things aside though, my dear Lorleen holds one major flaw. She's huge and super roomy. Now, normally this isn't a problem. In fact, it's one of the many perks I love about her. The problem only presents itself when I get the harebrained idea to clean the thing out. She has some major square footage, and you can bet I take advantage of every single inch. So, for someone who only gets this idea once every couple of months, it becomes a huge problem.

Remember this post where I stated the fact that I hadn't cleaned out my car since before Christmas? Well, after posting that, I let my mommy guilt run wild. On top of which, my mother in law called last night and suggested she tag along with me to pick up Bumpo from school today. Her reasoning was so that the people at the office could get used to seeing her around, "just in case." Now, I'm sure her "just in case" was just a snippet of the sentence running through her head. I'm sure she was actually thinking something along the lines of "just in case that voodoo spell I put on you last week takes effect, and you're suddenly unable to pick up my dear grandson from school when you come down with an uncontrollable case of diarrhea and have to spend the next thirteen hours in the bathroom." Since this random request came out of nowhere, I couldn't come up with a believable excuse fast enough, which left me with no other choice but to cater to her left field wish.

So today, donning my traditional car washing outfit, an outfit that caused my dear Tim to utter those words all men know are off limits - - "What ARE you wearing? You're going to wear THAT outside, in front of our neighbors?" I set off to accomplish a much put off task. And, on another note why should I seriously care what my neighbors think? I happen to think the green capri pajama bottoms and pink t-shirt I was wearing are perfectly acceptable car washing clothes. It's not like I was heading out the door in my too short shorts and sports bra (now that, I assure you would have killed my neighbors). Besides, I live in an apartment y'all. We're talking close quarters. I'm sure my neighbors have heard some rather heated conversations between Tim and I,over the past year. We're both fire signs after all, and as such, have absolutely NO ability to understand the concept of an inside voice. Just as I'm sure they've also been witness to some more private moments as well. I'm sure not about to go out there, in the 82 degree weather dressed to impress to clean out a freakin' car. Only to have to come in, shower and find something else suitable to wear, to you know, actually go out in public.

Anyway, back to the point. So, I head out in my shabby chic outfit and get to work. And let me just say this, today I discovered that my entire family, me included, are a bunch of disgusting pigs! I pulled out an entire trash bag worth of trash. Along with two grocery bags full of clothes, a backpack full of books, and another grocery bag full of toys.

After the clutter was cleared, I was left with a very dirty carpet. Which is when I discovered weevils. Oh yes, you read that right. Weevils, those pesky little bugs attracted to all things crumb like. They had taken up permanent residence in my car due to the wonderful buffet Bob and Bumpo had put out for them. A veritable feast if you ask me. We're talking an array of fruit snacks, cheerios, french fry pieces, raisins, and cracker remnants. Now, this may disgust the faint of heart, but I pressed on. Being the always prepared person I am, I ran inside and grabbed my can of unscented, natural raid (which is wonderful, btw) and sprayed the entire carpet down, along with Bumpo's car seat, and upholstery. Let that dry, and then using my very own trusty vacuum, I cleaned that carpet until I couldn't clean anymore.

I then moved on to the dash, and anything wipeable in the car. Cup holders got wiped down, arm rests were detailed, and doors were cleaned. The front seat is where I discovered something that made the weevils look like child's play. There, in the front cup holders was an indescribable goo. Left over from a gloriously wonderful sugary Coke from days past. I vaguely remember leaving a cup in there overnight a few weeks back, only to discover said cup holder full of amber liquid the following morning. However, I must have been in a rush, because I promptly forgot about it. Today, the amber liquid was gone. Evaporated probably. Only leaving an incredibly stringy, caramel like mess in it's place. This almost brought me to my knees, but again, I pressed on. Forty minutes later, and the cup holders were clean.

Now I'm left with a sparkly car, all fresh and clean. And I promise you, the next kid that even suggests eating or drinking in there will promptly find their little butts sitting on the side of the road somewhere, waiting for a nice mommy to come and rescue them. As my very own personal psychiatrist, I can safely say that I don't think I can handle another box of fry pieces getting dumped on the floor in that car right now. It just wouldn't be good for my health. Or the health of anyone around me when and if it happened. So, it's just best to avoid the whole situation.

Oh, and one more thing. I am so very sorry to the unfortunate people who happen to find themselves on my holiday mailing list. You may have wondered where your card was this past year. But you, being the super kind people you are, never said anything to me about it. Well, today I found said cards. And rest assured, you will get it, because they are beautiful, and already addressed, and ready to go, and I just can't bring myself to toss them out. Don't worry about checking your mailboxes anytime soon though. I feel that sending them out now would be a disservice to their beauty, plus who wants to receive a Christmas card in March? So,you'll just have to wait unil the holiday season this year. Because seriously, with no work to do next year except stamp the thing, I have no excuse.