Thursday, July 19, 2007

feeling down

Well, remember how I was all upbeat about this recent miscarriage. Promising myself that I wouldn't get upset about it, that it was a good sign, that things are moving in the right direction? Well, a week and hundreds of pregnant bellies later, and I'm depressed.

I wish this pregnancy would have worked out, I really do. The fact that it didn't, bothers me. Don't get me wrong, I am still filled with a ton of hope that it will, in fact, happen for us sooner or later. I just wish, beyond all measure, that this would have been the time. Sure, my life is a little hectic right now, we're living in a small apartment that is already bursting at the seams, and the idea of quiting my job right now is completely out of the question because I love it so much. However, all of those things are easily fixable. My hectic life is the good kind of hectic. Trying to balance work and kids. A battle every mother goes through. I wouldn't have it any other way. The apartment problem, we move to a bigger apartment, easy. As for quitting work, I don't think I would. I'd take my allowed leave and find another solution after that. Because I am finally at a place where I believe that I can have it all. A nice career and happy, healthy kids.

I've always said that patience is not a virtue I own. Which is a major problem when you are dealing with infertility issues. Especially when I know my body is starting to get back on the right track. I've been having periods again every month (minus the two months I was pregnant), and the cramping that used to be there, always persistent in my lower abdomen is gone. Both great signs. Especially the period thing, because everyone knows a period = ovulation. And you can't get pregnant without ovulation, which was my major problem. Deep in my heart I am 100% sure that I will be pregnant again one day (hopefully soon) and that I will go on to deliver another happy and healthy child. I don't know why I believe this, and I don't know why I'm so sure, but I am. Maybe it's because that cases of secondary infertility have a lot better outcome than just infertility in general. Maybe it's because I'm still quite young, with many years of baby-making opportunities ahead of me. Maybe it's just my eternal hope that's keeping me going. I'm not sure, all I know is that I am a long way from giving up. I will continue to hope. I will continue to believe. And I will continue to try. Because the progress I've made in the last few months has been proof. Proof that my body hasn't given up either. Proof that it isn't all in my head. Proof that this fight is far from over.

And that's all I need.