Monday, August 27, 2007

open letter sunday

***And please, no need to remind me that it is, in fact, Monday. Because seriously, I had this post all planned out yesterday while I was enduring a full eight hour day of hell (aka work). But, somewhere between there and here, I completely lost the will to write, clean, cook, shower, or think. And, since all those other things did such a great job of waiting until today for me, this post will as well.***

So, without further adieu:

Dear Marketing People In Charge;

I understand that it is in your best interest to come up with new and "exciting" ideas for the company, but please, I beg, keep your ideas focused on print ads, sales, and the like, instead of venturing into exciting ideas of what we can do, us, the lowly people who work in said stores - - in the heart of it, with the customers.

More specifically, what in the hell were you thinking with your brilliant idea for our photo workshop?? You'll be happy to know that I kindly renamed the day "Idiot Sunday". I think it better reflects what exactly happens on Sundays. You know, Sunday, the day you are home, enjoying your family, your friends, good food, good times? While we are battling the mass of idiots; idiots, I remind you, that you forced on us. People who come out for the free cookies and drinks. People who probably don't even own a digital camera. People who can't even figure out how to operate a simple machine. People who have no interest in learning and use Sundays as their day to get us to do all the work for them, while they stand there, yelling at Bubba on their cell phones. Oh, and my personal favorite, people who send their kids over, while they shop, in peace while we act as a free child care service, complete with reprimands as they try to sample each and every cookie displayed on the table, only to put them back after one bite.

In short, please, I beg of you, no more Digital classes, they suck. They are horrible. They don't increase sales, if anything we loose sales because while we're busy entertaining this group of "interested" people, our regular customers (the ones who spend money, and don't just come for the free prints coupon) come in, see the crowd, turn around and leave.

One of the very frustrated "digital people"

And in the spirit of idiot people:

Dear old lady in the hat that I helped today;

I'm sorry you were unable to scan your photo today. I'm also sorry you were unable to see your photo on the screen once you put it on the scanner. Further more, I'm super sorry you were unable to complete your transaction and that you had to leave without the prints you ordered.

Just one word of advice though, next time you try to do anything on the machine, make sure there is actually a computer sitting there before you begin next time. It's kind of a necessity in order to make the prints you so desperately wanted.

Oh, and one more piece of advice, take your medication before heading out because I have no idea what kind of buttons you claim to have been pushing, because again, the computer and screen were not there, they were sent off to be repaired three days ago.

Your very concerned photo tech

And, for your reading pleasure, one final letter:

Dear my mother-in-law from hell;

She's only seventeen years old yet, I trust her far more than I do you. She doesn't even have kids of her own, yet she is able to relate to them so much better than you. She still has so much learning to do, so much growing up left in her life, yet I would gladly leave my children with her again before I even think about calling you.

Her name is Crystal and she is Bob and Bumpo's new care taker. She doesn't forget to put sunblock on them (or whine about the smell) before they head outside for the day. She doesn't banish them to the yard while leaving her dog inside, in nice air-conditioned comfort with the kids begging at the windows to come inside. She actually talks to the children. She asks them how their first day of school went. What their interests are. What they think about. Who they want to be when they grow up. She treats them like people. She doesn't put a stupid computer before them. She would rather talk to them instead of some fake people online. They are important to her.

The sad thing, she isn't even related to them. She was a total stranger a month ago and I would call her if something happened to one of these kids, before I called you, their grandmother. You are more worried about something happening to your dear Internet connection than anything else in your life.

So, here is your letter of release. I no longer hold you responsible for the task of taking care of my children while Tim and I are away at work. A task, you were more than happy to take on before this stupid Second Life took over your life. You are a sick, sick woman and I hope you realize that and get help, before you manage to alienate everyone from your life.

Don't be surprised if you don't hear from us regarding Bob's birthday plans. He has made it perfectly clear that he wants no part of you to attend. Usually, I wouldn't accept that kind of an attitude towards family. However, you have made it clear that you no longer care to be a part of our family. Instead, your loyalties lay with the "friends" you've made on the computer. "Friends" that you'll probably never meet, and "friends" that we have no interest in hearing anymore about.

So, in conclusion, this is goodbye. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to any contact or relationship you will ever have with my children.

Finally fed up