Monday, September 21, 2009

why does change have to be so hard

I sit here tonight, a huge lump in my throat and yet, I can't figure out why.

Change is prominent in my life right now. Usually, I love change, I thrive from it, but tonight it's different. Tonight, I can't help but to feel the weight of it all on my shoulders, mainly my new career choice. Just a week ago, I was making way less money but I had a set schedule. A schedule that allowed me to be home in the evenings and there on the weekends for my children. That, is now gone. I'm back to working a crazy retail schedule that my new job requires of me. Tomorrow, I won't get home until midnight. MIDNIGHT! Luckily, Tim will be home with the children so it's not like they'll be with a babysitter. The good thing about this crazy schedule is that we can set it up so one of us is always home in the evenings with our boys. Why isn't that comforting to me? Why does the thought of spending the evening away from my boys tomorrow night hurt so badly? It's not like it's the first time. It won't be the last. And they're going to be in great hands. Maybe it's just the new situation of it all. Maybe it's just jealousy that I won't be the one there with my boys.

Or maybe it's something completely different. Maybe it's just that I don't know anyone at my new job. That here, I don't only have to worry about letting myself down or loosing my job (which, really shouldn't be a concern at all, I don't plan on doing anything that would ever cause me to loose my job) but I have to worry about Tim and his reputation as well. Or maybe, I really was an idiot to take this new job. I gave up a lot of clout and experience. People at my old job knew who I was, and they thought I was pretty great! Now? Now I start from scratch all over again. I was comfortable at my old job.

I have new friends to make. New people to impress. And, another ladder to climb. In my heart, I am pretty sure I made the right decision. However, nights like this, when I know I have a full day of training and grunt work ahead, have made me realize that sometimes, change isn't the best idea.

Hopefully, this isn't one of those times. . .


Immortal Woman said...

Sometimes change is like child birth, painful scarey while happening but then - in hindsight not - we wonder why we were so afraid.

You will do great! It is unnerving to care burden, but empowering at the same time!

I am applauding incase you cannot see me!